Perseverance Pays

2010-06-05T23:49:00.002+08:00

guess what?
i improved.

so hard work pays off.
all those crap about me working hard last year,
it probably wasn't with sincerity,
thats why nothing happened.

but now, =)
i think i rock.
no comments on my results.
just,
4A1s.

2010-02-11T21:54:00.002+08:00

i need a life,
i think i'm changing too much.
even i hate my attitude.

how do you learn to convince yourself to do hw,
while not nagging at others to do their hw,
and at the same time change your attitude.

i've been playing for 2 years, that's enough.
i had enough fun already.
i know that myself.
so i'm working hard.
hard enough to tire myself all the way out.

Those bad times are gone,
i should learn to apprieciate.
after all,
it was a big lesson learnt.

2009-10-25T11:54:00.002+08:00

I did ok for this term la actually.
except for humanities that pulled me down,
overall, everything was alright.

geog+hist = b4 + c5
LA = B3
SCIENCE = PHYSICS - 31.5/50 , BIO - 39.5(!!)/50(2ND IN CLASS WOO)
hcl = fine, b4 (better than my average standard)(awaiting the day i get A2 OR A1 !!)
maths = b3, sucks lor. shud have gotten a1

ok lor so its
2.5 + 2 + 3 + 3.5 + 2.5 + 3 = 16.5

16.5/6 = 2.75 round up to 2.8
wtf right, but ok liao lor. i next year have to work uber hard.

2009-10-08T20:36:00.002+08:00

wahaha. i decide not to be lazy, and i shall BLOG!.
yea, well, why am i bluffing myself? LOL
ehh, my blog not dead kay, is everyone think i never blog,
so it became dead.
ok, so literally speaking,
it's dead :x

hah, crap.
2 MORE BLOODY ASS PAPERS.
Chinese - DIEDIEDIEDIE
Maths - DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE
eh crap, hope maths no need draw, if not i 喷血.
then aft maths,
WOOHOO, clique buy yo-yo for me YIPEEE!!!
omg, i so excited bout yo-yo,
scarly theyy don buy for me i heartbreak!

but i think it'll be damn paiseh when we buy yoyo.
i mean, srsly la,
a group of 14 year olds in RVHS,
buying a toy that i currently see pri 3 below playing.
WAHHAHA, never, 有福同享，有难同当
=D i know they treat me veh well,
abit of paiseh means NOTHING!

ok, tmr chinese, then monday maths.
tues is marking day (woo~!)
weds is Marina Barrage day,
thurs is cca cip( ok...)
fri is.. NOTHING!

then probably,
the nextnext week definitely go through papers.
then the nextnextnext week is the last week of school yea?
then nextnextnextnext week is class chalet!
then 2 months a few days later is HOLIDAY TRIP WITH FAMILY<3

ok lah whatever,
but my body got alot of probs these days,
donno if anything wrong not.
constant stomachache,
my back donno what happen,
i can't sit/stand up straight aft bending for awhile(wonder if i get to pon cca for this)
LOL. ok lah,
go see doc soon.
STEPH IS HEALTHY AND KICKING! 0.o
i think i'm damn self-entertaining -.-

ohoh, and the fucking bitch bus driver din open the door for me today.
make me miss a stop and take lrt.
EXTRA MONEY LEH.
asshole. i wanted to go to her and slap her fucking bitch face.
i think i tio probation lor liddat LOL(rislow)
see her again i kill her.

did u know an adam's apple vibrates damn lots when a guy talks?
i knew beforehand it vibrates, but it vibrates damn lots more than my voicebox la!
WTF?! so disgusting ok fine.

2009-10-01T21:20:00.002+08:00

hais.
EOYS started liao lor.
and it's like gonna be damn freaking long RAWR.
neh mind, aft eoys spam karaoke. LOL

and i think i'll screw up this term srsly.
no spirit to study(but i got ok!)

even if i screwup i won't cry this time i swear(andhope)
so many times liao.
i just keep telling myself to work harder and i don't.
my own fault ya.

i donno,
eoy the mood very bad sia,
nobody ever wants to do anything fun.
and i understand its no time to have fun..
I CAN'T STAND IT AHHH.
everyone's becoming so boring diaoz.

then the day ends so early i donno wan to be happy or sad.
go home nth to do, wan to study but don wan to.
study that time nothing goes into my mind.

not to mention,
this is my first time being so freaking jing zhang during maths exam,
i had a total mental block for the last 2 questions.
die liao la.
i keep telling myself, SURFACE AREA SURFACE AREA,
then i wrote out volume -.-
my heart was like beating so fast can..

EOY = screwed up.
hist, gonecase (UNLESS! mesonatte marks our papers/ confirm A1!)
geog, i'm a natural sucker at it.
chinese, did i mention i haven't passed the ranking of 30 out of 34 peeps in class this year?
(last term 33rd in class, 2nd last WAHAHA)
english, i have limited vocab and creativity
science, my only hope! A2?! bio sucks. physics is ok.
maths, i alr said i screwed up paper 1, paper 2 seems to sound worst eh?
DONE.
so ya, screw it blehx >.<

2009-08-23T22:06:00.002+08:00

ok haha, too lazy to update.
--
ee, i tell you all,
i feeling damn stressed.
VIOLIN+PIANO EXAMS,
next month.
---
3weeks to be exact.
and i swear i won't pass my grade 7 piano,
can't play my pieces well at all.
hello, i can't even complete half.
and 3 weeks, pls la.
i never even memorise my scales uh.
and my sight-reading has deproved like shiet!
----
damn stress,
and my mother keeps thinking i'm not doing enough for schoolwork,
when i'm actually working like a cow.
maybe it's because my bro is doing so much better.
hello, he topped class for 4 subjects.
i never even pass middle line.
--
and when he announced the news for celebrations,
i din know whether to be happy or pissed.
hey, ok i'm proud of my bro,
but i'm pissed that he's always doing better.

not to mention,
i've been working like shit,
doing all i can not to sleep(and i never sleep)in class.
studying physics notes over and over again
reading chinese books, doing chinese hw,
even doing LA hello?!

no improvements,
maybe i'm just this standard.
i really feel like crying liao la..
i feel damn stupid now.
why my brother do so well i cannot.
i can't even do my piano well.

just now practise piano,
played like shit,
just gave up and my mom was like,
'sian'

can someone meet me aft school.
i have alot of 心事 to 谈.
i feel very demoralised.
i'm not excelling in academics or cca,
my bro is topping th class like !@#$
he's performing in !@#$s of concerts.

right, i'm like direct oppo lah,
he's excelling,
i'm stupiding.
sian diao,
sometimes i don feel motivated to study.
man, 讲到很想哭...

2009-07-19T00:26:00.003+08:00

it's been a long time. =D

and i've been thinking.
thinking things the right way. =)
==

When i was younger,
i always asked myself.
why did i come into this world.
what was my purpose?
who chose me?

and after thinking.
i have my answer.
it may not be the most perfect answer in the whole world.
but i think it's the most perfect answer for me.

and the answer is..
ME.

i chose myself to come to this world.
i worked hard to come to this world(in a weird way -.-)
and my purpose is to live well.
to do my best and to be the brightest star.

everytime we cry we feel sad.
and perhaps it would be this sadness,
that pulls us into a dark hole,
or pushes us further towards our goal.

how did we choose to live?
how did we work hard to come?
easy

----this is going to sound weird----

as the sperm in our father's, ehem.
learning bio now mah.
out of many sperms around the egg.
we fought our way through.
we may not have thoughts.
but we fought our way into the egg.

this is way,
we chose to live,
and god respected our decision.

we chose, then he chose.
we chose to live,
he chose our fates in life.
according to how hard we try, work.

that is why,
we work hard in life to not let our unknown efforts go to waste.
that is why we strive.
that is why we sometimes we get unusual motivations.
so that we can fulfill our unknown desires.

it's all for ourselves.

----
i admit though,
i've been feeling abit pissed easily these days.
maybe because i feel tired,
wake up so early mahs.

then,
4 and 5 for LA.
chinese remedial.
so i got seriously pissed at my language situation,
because i nv seem to be able to concentrate fully during them.

LA is boring,
too boring for me.
it's not that i don't want to listen or pay attention.
i'm not used to sitting down for so long.
even after 14 years YES.

did i mention,
most people have one spot on their heads,
and i have 2 spots.
it purely means i'm stubborn, cheeky, naughty much more active ya.

and i've seriously been thinking,
LANGUAGE,
will pull my grades down like shit.

so i aim:
A1 - Maths, History, Science,
B3 - LA, HCL, Geog.
___________
total: 3.3 GPA

aim high ya.
but impossible.
(since i'm so stupid)

and i realised i've insulted or offended,
or demoralised ppl, because i'm too straightforward.
and i swear i'll try my best to change this part of me.

sooo, sorry ppl:
sohwanyih - called you short =p (i realised i neh insult much of my clique heh)
cheryl, novia - whatever i did to make u say i'm too straightforward.
-.- ms choo - for attituding you aft i got pissed at mdm CHOO<-- note similarity LOL
nicole - for always calling you blackie. (i swear i will stop that)

k fine, i know alot more.
so maybe i'm too tired to think of anymore.
so to the ppl up there,
my sincere apologies,
forgive my past remarks and stuff.
and yea,
try not to backstab me ya.
i'll change T_T

kay,
and i think i'm veh bad to ms choo since she started teaching us.
i've been bullying her on the fact that she's quite new.
T_T ain't i badbadbad.
i swear i will (try)pay my fullest attention in class,
and pass up all my bloody assignments on time. =)
and get my homwork book as soon as possible -.-
and treat u better.
(and pray u treat us like 14 yrs olds)
and i don wan teacher-student stuff.
i wan frenfren stuff.
so i try my best not to treat u like teacher(with respect)
and u must not treat me like student(with authority still)
-----
and thus i realise i have alot of things to do with myself.
CHANGE.
for the sake of myself.
but i'm still fuming at chinese remedial.
its useless, thats why.

haiz,
anyway.
at least the top part is reasonable right PEOPLE?!

2009-06-22T23:30:00.003+08:00

i hate you for making me feel pain.
i hate you for making me disappointed,
in you and myself.
i hate you for once caring bout me.

i still need to thank you,
for once giving me hope,
for once giving me faith in myself.

maybe it's my problem,
maybe it's yours.

you'll never guess who i'm talking about.
not steven quek.
not anymore.
i've gotten over that bastard.

失去，却曾经拥有。
拥有，却会失去。
不如失去，
痛，少了一些。
-------------
---------
--------

you would keep feeling happiness,
but one day you'd lose it.
then you'll feel more depressed.

if you don't know happiness,
you won't get to lose it,
you won't have to go through pain.
you just have to be what you are,
unhappy.
---------

i keep thinking this way.
i'm feeling very stressed nowadays.

i lose my temper easily,
i lose my concentration within seconds.
i don't have the mood to do things i'm supposed to do.

what about my working hard and everything,
good results, good impressions on teachers.
i don't know.
i've just lost my faith in myself.

i don't know why.
i losing everything i once treasured.
not saying people.
just, somethings i don't know how i can describe.

the worst thing is.
i've lost my passion in running.

imagine running for nearly 5 years,
then you feel like there's no point in all these.
falling, tripping, injuries.
what do i gain in the end.
i know, friends.

but i could have made these friends in school too right?
why in running.
whats the bloody freakin' point.
--

sometimes you want a friend to be there for you,
to accompany you,
to know what you need, notsympathy, notpity, justabeingacompanian
to just, be with you.

sometime you wan to be for a friend,
they don't need you,
they don't want you.
they tell you that you don't know what they need.

this is the complicating part of friendship,
never perfect.
how do you expect someone to trust a friend.

even if you're my best friend,
let me tell you.
you're a great friend,
i don't hate or despise you.
i still have faith in you,
i just don't have the courage to trust you.
-------
i saw some bad scars,
they bring me back to bad times.
they make me think,
why life has to be filled with obstacles.

i don't only have them on my hands or what(shan't emphasize where)
if you think only there, nah.
i still have some obvious scars on me.
you won't be able to find them,
unless you strip me 0.o

i know why i did them.
because i was a coward.
i didn't dare to go through pain,
i didn't dare to face obstacles.

i was avoiding the fact that,
happy-go-lucky could one day be affected.
i was completely..
i donno, dead in the inside.
------

i know.
and i've learnt.
sometimes i want to go back to the past.
where i did all the stuffs on me.
i try my best.

i try not to start back.
i'm trying.
and i'm scared.
i'm scared of attention,
i'm scared of pain.
mentally.

i'm just like that.
i'm weak.
sometimes smiles can make me forget, hide
but they won't represent me.
they're not.

hope.
faith.
courage.

i haven't been hugged in a while.
i haven't felt the warmth i felt long ago.
i haven't been complimented for a long time.
i haven't been told, good work. great effort.

i miss those times.
primary school maybe.
kindergarten maybe.
i don't know?

i want to go back to the past,
but the present wants me to face it,
and thee future wants to pull me.

2009-05-16T20:29:00.002+08:00

oh well..
MYEs is screwed.
i thought it would all go well aft getting chem..
guess i was wrong.

Freaking 4hours(leftright) crying in school,
after school still crying 0.0
it was one setback after another.
geog then LA.

i've completely lost my confidence.
i think i completely lost hope.
just now piano lessons,
i couldn't play like how i practise usually.

now i'd just think.
did my efforts pay off.
or am i just stupid.

at first after i got my geog.
i saw my marks and i was like,
wow great, i passed.
then i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
i passed,
with sucking marks.

then i realised i would be last in class.
then i was having tears welled up in my eyes.
then wooshhh- they dropped.
it's amazing how tears can't controlled.
and stupid tallie said i looked ugly when i cry.

i was crying throughout malay.
hah, and i was praying only veron and those nearer to me,
would know i was crying.
then aft malay suddenly everyone come.
make me cry even more.
i felt like. a disappointment.

today,
i haven't been out of my room,
just for piano lessons.
i just lied on my bed.
slept at 3a.m,
woke at 6a.m
i just lay on my bed till 2p.m
then i woke up with a backache/neckache.

the world just looks so dull suddenly.
mummy said i've grown up,
since i nv cried about results before.
mummy, i just want to make u proud.
always is gor get top,
i nv get anything.
i know u don expect anything,
that's why i want to prove to u i'm something.
guess i failed time and time again.

i donno,
i don't feel like going school on monday.
i didn't eat lunch 2 days ler.
ate small dinners only.
no mood to do anything liao.
p.s i don't eat breakfast.
here comes mrs tan AHH.
-.-

i feel damn grateful.
YIJIN veron wanyih
jiahui weishan cheryl felicia
SIUMIN bernice NICOLE
YUNING. alvin
stupid tallie who told me i looked ugly when i cried.>.<

thanks peeps.
for giving me support and everything.
for telling me that someone would be there.
for talking to me in one way or another.
for consoling, comforting and advising.(yijinnicole)
for crying with me(siumin -.-)
for wasting time and smses on unmeaningful talks(nicole)
for pei-ing me to busstop(alvinbernicenicolestupidtallie)
still feeling helpless and siann diao.
for no reason i'm feeling real sian.
i've been hogging on my hp for the whole day.
or sleeping.
my mom kept saying i'm a vegetable cus i keep lying on bed.

fine,
maybe there's sth wrong with me.
i'm not feeling as sociable as usual.
i just feel..
sian diao lor.

monday will feel as meaningless.
siannnn. i'm like ice liao.
throw me an A1 i also donno how to react.
bye. i'm gonna sleep.

then maybe my world will go round again.
then maybe the sun will shine.
then maybe i'll find the ray of light.
then hope.

2009-04-11T08:21:00.003+08:00

The real time you smile,
is the time ur really happy.
and i was yesterday,
yes i was. =D

finally la, fun and relax.
good friday mah, yest.

went chevrons karaoke with..
Seow Hwee, Ruth, Jingjing.
=D vry little right.
but uber fun la.
we started at 3.
ruth went at 8.30(5.5 hours of singing)
jj went at 9 or 9.30(6 hours)
we and seow hwee went at 10.30( 7.5 hours of singing)

srsly long la.
the last song,
i zou alot of time cus no voice liao.
then seow hwee sing soft soft,
keep laughing at me.

>.<

anyway,
it was UBER fun la.
wan go with me CALL ME.
we can go once a month =DD

2009-04-05T20:52:00.002+08:00

why am i always like this.

i feel like crying but i can't
i want to cry in school,
but not infront of everyone.
i pla
i want everyone to think,
i am strong,
i'm happy and everything.
because that's what i am to everyone isn't it.

nobody ever knew how i felt.
i joke around,
i play hard.
it'sbecauseiwanteveryonearoundmetobehappy.
nobodyeverknewhowmuchithurtformetoseeafriendfall.
everyoneonlyknewijokedanddidn'tcare.

nobody ever knew how hard it was,
for me to wake up and face each day.
nobody ever knew how hard it was for me to smile.
easier to smile,
harder to frown.
i'm feeling the opposite then huh.

it's so hard to think about tomorrow,
when i'm already struggling with today.
i have dreams,
but they all seem so far away.

i know i suck,
i ponned CCA and everything.
it's my fault.
i know it myself.

i'm always absent when we need a full team.
i'm always messing things up when we train hard.
i'm always joking about when we want to win.
it's no wonder our hopes are so screwed.
its all because of me.

sometimes i wish everyone hated me.
so i wouldn't feel so guilty.
everyone seems to treat me so well,
i don't deserve all these.

i'm scared of being lonely,
i admit it.
but i'm always throwing everyone who needed a friend aside,
always at the wrong time.

i'm selfish,
disgraceful,
i suck,
and i'm always pulling people down.

who am i to talk about friends,
when i can't even be one.
i thought i cared,
i thought i could do everything for everyone.
but it seems that i'm always failing.

sorry,
sheena, yunyi, jiahui.
i know you all really want to win,
but i can't find my motivation.

it always feels so hard to start running,
it feels so hard to move my body.
it's because of me.
who am i to blame steven quek.

he was right,
it all happened because of my irresponsibility.
i always pushed everything aside with a reason.
i don't even deserve to be in track.

youwererightnicole,
istillrememberwhatyousaid,
evenifitwasforfun,
isuckbigtime,
andi'llneverchange.
i'malwaysthecauseforeveryone'ssuffering.
i'mpathetic,uselessandabum.

2009-04-03T18:51:00.002+08:00

siann..
just because of class seating arrangements,
the whole class has to go get messed up.

whats' all your points now.
what do all of u want now.
not happy isit.
then tell us what u want more.

and sorry nicole,
make everyone misunderstood.
my fault.
whyamialwaysgettingpeopleintrouble,

orevenmakethemunhappyorpissedoff.

got pissed off during lessons,
couldn't concentrate really well,
went to toilet,
smsed apology.
thinkthinkthink,
then calmed myself down.

anyways,
training tmr.
what's the prob with the school.
waste our weekends away. -.-

2009-03-27T20:00:00.003+08:00

today was a weird day.
got pissed off for no apparant reason.
malay lessons were wasted,
used up to relax myself.
my heart was beating fast and i felt it.

and also,
i so scared until almost cry.
anyways. was ok after awhile.
just donno why.
keep having this feeling for some days ler.

srsly,
all this stress is getting to me.
i can't really stand up straight with these pressure.
i really need to score well.
just can't help feeling disappointed in myself.
1 and 1/4 years and i've nv gotten >3.0 GPA.
what's the prob with me.

i work so hard,,
at least harder than ever.
i still got a miserable 2.5.
how come, i don't understand.

i'll work harder.

and i can't feel the presence of anyone even when they're near me.
i can't sense anything care or concern.
it feels like you all are just playing about.
with me yes.

sometimes,
everyone seems to let me down.
and i seem to be doing the same.

hah, and to think bernice noticed me when i was quiet,
i thought my existance wasn't noticed. -.-
wadever.

byebye.
i'm gonna calm myself.
>.<

2009-03-26T22:08:00.002+08:00

siann..
today sucked.
PE SUCKED THATS WHY.
anyway, was vry confusing day lors.
thought alot again.
shan't say much but ya.

after PE was maths,
changed into uniform in time. =D
but just couldn't concentrate luhhs.
didn't managed to etch wad ms lee said into my mind.

Science was ok,
couldn't concentrate in the front,
went to the toilet to sort thinkings,
feelings and everything first,
then went back to class for lessons.
siannzzz. why liddat.

continued thinking alot still,
but could try to concentrate,
so decided to stay for 3.30 supplementry,
(i have to improve. GPA 3.3!<3)

training was uber slack today.
zone passings,
starting blocks,
thenn pandian left,
and we continued with acceleration,
drills,
150m runsx2

sianzz.
i go sleep liao lar. byebye

2009-03-17T20:57:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i think i have no true friends eh.
there's no faith,
no trust,
no support.
like they're just invisible walls around me.

yadeeda.
i've been thinking again -.-
you know,
sometimes i think i think too much.
aha, there i go again. =P

what are friends.
to me,
they're people who put their trust in you.
have faith in you,
give you support.

i don't see any though.
when i said i'm trying to be hardworking,
no one believed.
when i said i've changed for the better,
everyone just smiled.
when i needed support,
i just couldn't rely on them.

they don't know me,
i don't care anymore.

me laughing doesn't mean i'm happy,
joking doesn't mean i'm a joker or funny,
not crying doesn't mean i don't show pity,
not replying doesn't mean i don't care,
not asking doesn't mean i don't give a damn.

i'm just like that.
i've been through so much,
i just don't know how to express myself anymore.

Say i'm heartless when veron cried and i din't console her.
say i'm heartless when i made things worst trying to help.
say i'm useless when we're doing projects.

i don't want to try anymore,
seems like 好人没好报.
what's the point of being nice,
what's the point of hiding.
i want to be what everyone don't like,
a bad person.

since that's what i am in everybody's mind.
i pon CCA,
i slacked in projects,
i suck at studying.
i don't care about my marks.
i don't give a damn bout others' feelings.
all i care is making myself happy.

if that's what i am,
then that's what i'm gonna be.
heartless,
useless,
stupid,
selfish.

wow,
i don't seem to have any good points,
原来我在每个人的心中，是那么的无处.

sometimes i just want to cry,
but i don't know where.

sometimes i want to die,
but i don't dare.

sometimes i want to sleep forever,
but the alarm clock wakes me up for school.

sometimes i want to work hard,
but in the end everyone took me as a fool.

i'm tired of trying already.

Don't walk behind me,
I may not lead.
Don't walk in front of me,
I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.

2009-03-15T18:13:00.002+08:00

congrats to the netballers,
(whether played or not),
on winning the champ title of westies,
and 2nd runner up of westies.
you guys deserved it really.

i've seen all of yaw train so hard,
i know all of yaw wanted to win so hard.
this shows that,
you reap what you sow.

you made some mistakes,
so what?
you learnt from them,
corrected them,
went on to earn your titles.
thats what matters.

most importantly,
what matters is your team.
what you have all gone through,
TOGETHER.

i think i learnt alot from them luh.
everyone makes mistakes.
pick yourself up,
put your whole heart on the court,
fight for your titles,
and win as a team.

victory or lose,
it all comes down to whether you've learnt anything,
teamwork, friendship,
that's what everythings' about.
=D

you reap what you sow.
team.

2009-03-07T14:20:00.002+08:00

woah. time flies yea :x
4 months since i posted?!
okok i shall post today then.
but its jst on a video.
yeayea i know i'm slow or what,
but it's vry touching luh.

its for the SiChuan Victims.
artists from HIM Int.
(: and don't just hear the tune luh,
understand the lyrics,
empathise with the victims in SC.

Imagine how you would feel if you lose your love ones,
just because mother nature made some shaking.
the pain wouldn't be temporary right.
it would be a scar that won't go off.
don't talk about plastic surgery,
it's a mental scar. unless you take out your brain. =P
yah, just learn to empathise and don't rock on with the music,
listen with your ears,
and maybe you'll understand.

Learn to treasure your loved ones yah.
just a simple word of appreciation.
anything may happen tomorrow.
and there goes your chance. :(

2008-12-26T23:41:00.000+08:00

i don't like evil people.
random la.
just watching a show,
a person from good become bad.

at first like the person alot cause so good.
then in the end that person turn bad and kill people.
i don't like such people.
but maybe was forced.
too bad lor,
i still don't like that person. =P

2008-12-18T22:07:00.002+08:00

oyea. congrats to those who got into the school they wanted.
hope you don't regret like how your senior did.
and congrats if u din't get into RV.
it's filled with bitches and bastards,
especially irritating teachers who thinks they can understand you so well.

congrats! =D
don't be sad if u get into the school u din't want.
cause it might be a what in disguise.
i forgot the phrase AHHH--- -.-
remind me again?
surprise in disguise? -.- no.
anyways. you should know the phrase.
i just forgot it anyway. =P

2008-12-18T21:57:00.002+08:00

haha.
paiseh hor never blog at all.

well, track is nice i agree.
but i'm going to start attending only next year.'
why?
cus currently i don't have the passion for running,
and without motivation,
even if i attend i'd die.

i know i'm at fault too.
but who to blame with me for putting out the passionate flame in me.
a fire definitely needs oxygen to burn,
but if you breathe in the necessary oxygen i'm using,
then exhale the carbon dioxide which puts out fires,
then how do you expect me to find more oxygen.
then eventually my fire won't burn eh?

lala.
merry christmas anyway.
and a happy new year.
=D

2008-11-13T23:38:00.002+08:00

its officially over i announce.

Somehow it doesn't feel so bad or what.
i don't feel sad,
maybe a little(duh~)
but its perhaps the best outcome for me(us).

didn't know i had to attend the talk by ms or.
but i don't care.
i don't seem to give a damn about running.
like, i don't care at all kay.
don't talk to me about running or whatever.

and as for my cross-country EX-MATES,
thanks for the WONDERFUL MEMORIES<3
but maybe i'll be better off in track.
who knows yea?
have a great time in cross though =D

so yea,
its over now.
i'm just going CCA for the sake of it. =D
i don't care at all.
(:

lalala
(:

2008-10-25T14:04:00.002+08:00

FUCK OFF MAN.
saying that u called me,
but i didn't react or what.
then when i reacted you walked away.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

you could just walk over to talk.
instead u called me from afar so softly,
and accused me of ignoring you,
just to "take revenge"
FINE, think whatever you want.
who needs you anyway.

i'm just going to prove to you,
i can do the same in other things.
and you've just put out the burning passion in me.
i've lost it and i don't want to continue.

so fuck off,
because ur restricting my life..

2008-10-17T22:18:00.002+08:00

曾以为是一对,
原来是幻想.
缘份不存在,
再怎么哀求也不会有分别.

I thought.
nah, i don't know what i'm thinking.
maybe.

maybe running isn't for me la.
shan't be the frog in a well.
for once i should jump out and see the world.
maybe i can wait for another 3 years.

anyway,
thanks for the great memories.
you know,
i think i haven't interacted with the team for 3 weeks or 4.
very long liao right.

we weren't meant to be together maybe.
thats why it's like this now.
i don't know.
it's partially my fault,
and partially destiny.

i can change destiny..
but i don't have the strength to do anything now.
i don't know how to decide.
sometimes it feels like a blessing in disguise.
i feel so free now.

I got so much time to do my own things,
instead of fretting over the next training.
can do what i want lor.

but sometimes it feels weird.
can't help but think about it.
blah.

i actually have the right to choose whether to go back or not.
but i'm not sure what i really want.
whatever la.

but i was really upset when he accused me,
of being not interested in running.
because he said every training,
i give the 'i don't care' look.

like,
how can he jump to conclusions.
hurt my feelings -.-"
whatever.
i'm actually dead inside alr.
if you haven't notice. -.-

stop all these crappings liao.

100m heats on tues.
win,win,win,win,win,win.
FAITH IN MYSELF.
blah.

2008-10-11T14:57:00.002+08:00

i think i've injured my shoulder muscle.
you can't blame me.
an idiot who tries to push up so many times.
70 times to be exact.

and i just tumbled down after 47.
i feel weak already.
i just left myself lying on the floor.
maybe its just the best way to forget everything.
fine, now i can't even hold a pen properly.
-screams-

i wish i could go to the beach,
and start screaming.
but everyone would think i'm an idiot.
-.- which i am.

...
stupid world.
making everything so difficult.

2008-10-08T20:09:00.004+08:00

don't seem to.
-sians-

there doesn't seem to be anyone u can trust nowadays.
how many times i've let this go over myself.
then it keeps happening again and again.
i hate you.

humans are that weird.
they just think what you received is deserved.
and i'm feeling guilty.
cause i just made someone feel hurt.
i feel so..
heartless.

just wait till the day i die,
i may never even learn the meaning of appreciation.

my way of friends:
As long as you're real to me, trust me, believe in me, love me, listen to me,
i don't mind sacrificing anything. cause i believe without friends i will not be what i am today. i don't care about attitudes. its how a person is. And there was never a need for any of my friends to change because i love the way each and everyone of them were. childish, mature, short-tempered, retard, crazy, serious. It's always amazing to see how you all express yourselves. And i know attitudes are part of humans and there is no way one can change.

Is that ALOT?
or maybe you think i'm a simple-minded idiot.
maybe i trust people too easily.

Then i give up,
don't expect me to say yes straight away anymore.
sometimes, there will be doubt.
in myself, in you,
in everyone..

2008-10-06T22:48:00.002+08:00

i hate school.
every night before a schoolday.
i just feel like crying.
find ways to not go to school.
i don't know why.

i just find no goal in it.
no motivations yep.
since its EOY period,
hopefully lesser people see my blog.

I'm crying every morning before i go school.
i purposely came to school late today.
i just don't want to go to school kay.
piang eh.

so what if EOYs are coming,
i don't care if i fail or pass.
i shouldn't have come to RV in the first place.
just should have went to a neighbourhood school.

wake up at 7,
go school 715,
reach 720.
lesser stress,
easier marks.

why was i so stupid.
all i did was to appeal into RV.
and a small matter turned my life upside down.
stupid me.

i want to bang my head on the wall.

2008-10-06T08:50:00.002+08:00

I realised i'm alr at 101 posts.
=D

SCHOOL SUCKS.
I DON'T WANT TO GO SCHOOL.
FUCK SCHOOL.

NO.
WHO WANTS TO FUCK SCHOOL.
I'D RATHER FUCK MY AUNT'S DOG.
>:(

2008-09-24T19:50:00.002+08:00

i wanted to post the question,
but then i decided not to.
i don't want to put my choices on their shoulders.

like, sometimes it's good to let go.
but i can't bear to let this go.
i haven't been going training for 2 weeks.
the 1st week was because i din go school, sick.
2nd week was because i din't want to go.

seriously,
if you want to know what question i wanted to ask,
i don't mind telling you.

it feels like 2 worlds apart nowadays.
it's like i don't really understand you all anymore.
and i can't even find a similar topic to talk about.
and everytime his name is heard,
i just don't know how to react.

fine whatever.
i just want to concentrate on my exams now.
do my best,
not to concentrate on him anymore.

ladiblabla.
(:

2008-09-16T23:08:00.003+08:00

S.H.E - 沿海公路的出口

沿海公路的出口 - S.H.E

用半截煙蒂燒一場蜃樓
借這場大雨讓自己逃走
荒茫公路無人的漂泊
寂寞海嘯把我捲走

倘若一次放手
像咳一個嗽
我又何苦在乎的得不到的溫柔

我坐在公路的出口
等待天黑以後無邊的寂寞
路燈一盞一盞的破

連想你都是種殘酷解脫

我目送沿海的日落
緊抱一個醉生夢死的枕頭
學會寬容懂得放手
未知的前路讓我慢慢游走

用一段感情還一個朋友
每一句再見割一道傷口
躺在萬劫不復的街頭
微笑參透覆水難收

2008-09-16T22:23:00.002+08:00

i thought i would stop.
seeing my mother like that.
i've been trying extra harder.

I'm still doing it.
but i try my best to go lighter.
so the cuts won't be obvious.
i know i shouldn't do it.
but it's tired to try.

i will persevere on.
i will try my best.
for those who care.
but sometimes the window will tempt me.
suicide?
no luh. shouldn't be.

i don't have the courage.
if i do,
i'd use it to continue living bravely.
which i ain't doing now.

i am unsure of myself.
why do i feel unhappy.
i mean,
i think my problems are mostly over.

everytime i'm angry i do it.
everytime i'm unhappy i do it.
seriously,
am i really unable to express them out openly,
like how i do so all the time last time.

dang. ;x
i want to go back to last time,
happy, carefree, immature.
primary school life.

which i know everyone wants.
life is always the same thing,
repetition luh.
but wadever.
we still have to live onn.

yep,
i announce officially,
i'm emotionally confused,
which is not equals to emo-ing.

2008-09-13T16:42:00.002+08:00

it's out.
they know liao lor.
had a 20~30mins talk.
i was CRYING throughout.
and i said i din want to talk to teacher.
but in the end i changed my mind.

i'm going show him how pissed off i am with him.
ok, my eyes are officially red.
dammit.
EEE. RELATIVES ARE HERE.
eh no.
my neighbour la.
i thought wad.
---------------------------------------------------------
my mom asked me to trick keith teo.
just say i fall.
but i'd probably cry lor.
LOL. thats why i prefer talk to serene tan =D
at least she's just 13 years older.
ms mak better.
only 6 years. XD

ok la.
i'm feeling better.
but i don't know,
i still feel abit confused.
and i swear,
the addiction's still there.
but i will try,
after seeing how sad my mom is lor.
she cried ;x

byebye.
i need to make my eyes
WHITE
again.

2008-09-12T23:40:00.002+08:00

ahh.
Nicole knows liao.
cause i stupidly telll her.
accident.
everybody makes one.
me.
---------------
dang ;x
this world is changing too much.
i don't think this way cus i could shoot balls.
it's amazing how OBVIOUS.
my cuts are to people.
wtf?!

i thought my watch was hiding them.
keith teo saw them
nicole tay saw them
benson saw them.
scary luh...

din feel like going home today.
so stayed back with chang,benson and darren.
harrharr.
stupid bensdon kept giving the stupid smile.
then they started to homework.

i walked about the school,
my mind was blank.
i didn't know what to do,
what to think of,
what could happen.

i don't know,
am i taking things too lightly or heavily.
cause it's like,
i take setbacks hard,
i try too lightly to cut out of addiction.
well, what is this?

it's true that i don't know how to express myself,
other than happiness,
all i do is laugh and smile.
anger,
it's been bugging me often lately.

and it feels bad to bottle it up,
except that when i want to open,
it's stuck and i'm too weak to open.
bla, enough of these examples.

i just get angry easily,
i want to harm others,
but deep inside i don't want to.
who else to harm other than myself.

i don't want to be a burden.
a walking thorn.
poking everyone in my way.
i don't want to harm others.
because they're innocent,
i'm the one who started all these self attack or wadever.

and they shouldn't interfere.
because i would feel worst.
i feel like someone who brings harm to my friends.
-------------
t believe friendship and family made my life in order.
i owe damn lots to these two subjects.
and all i want to do is to protect them,
and not to harm them or hurt them.
then what am i?
a useless friend who only brings about trouble,
arguments, anger, pissed feelings.

waaa.
i feel like crying.
damn it lor.
this sucks man.
now i know how it feels to feel depressed.
cause i'm majorly depressed.
i think.
but i don't want to be.

2008-09-11T21:33:00.002+08:00

ok fuck.
i tell you something.
my parents probably know i'm doing that.
they're pretending they don't.
and they're stupid.

"why u always fall down one,
like you purposely injure yourself liddat"
like, wtf la.

i'm not dumb.
i'm 13 not 10.
i'm not saying 10 years olds are dumb.
but i don't want to know.
they won't understand.

and if keith teo knows,
he'll probably send me for counselling or whatever you know.
all the dumb theraphy(sarcastic luh;x)
fuck la.
why must they interfere.
they don't know they're making it worst.

and psychologists.
they make big money by guessing.
"i know how you feel inside"
HARHAR.
you don't, unless you've experienced it.

experience doesn't come naturally.
you have to go through the process,
and understand it.
-----------
whatever.
today sucked.

Nicole is going to find out soon i slit.
Keith Teo pulled my recess back by 20mins.
He's going to talk to me on monday 2.30
Serene Tan may be there.
i'm like, dead already.

fine, they want to know so much,
let them.
i'm going to rebel if they pull me to some stupid things or what.
i didn't even know keith teo noticed my cuts.
like wtf, couldn't he inform.

ok, maybe not.
idiots will inform,
so he isn't an idiot.
HOPEFULLY,
he doesn't take away my P.E.

damn.
i'd rather serene tan knows.
but keith teo.
the one who acts pro everywhere.
like he understands everything i'm going through.
eat shit.

-----------------
end of 94th post.
-----------------

92nd post!!

2008-09-11T20:16:00.000+08:00

blaa..
i'm soooo dead soon.
my parents are gonna know soon.
if they pro enough la.
and my teacher will know.

which i don't want OBVIOUSLY.
teachers i don't mind,
but parents YES.
no way i'm going to show them anything.
=P change subject lor.

btw, my 92nd post liao leh.
PRO RIGHT?!
finally 8 more posts to 100.
=D
so pekchek.
must wait from october last year until now.
XD

2008-09-10T17:16:00.002+08:00

fuck yesterday.
had a talk with ms or.
really felt like crying lor.
but who wants to show ur true feelings infront of a teacher.
and she really put salt on my wound.

its like,
i know my results are poor enough.
and she had to go and ask me.
what shit is this..

i went home to cry,
since i knew i failed my hist.
i failed 3 subjects liao..
fuck la.
i already studied vry hard.
donno why i still failed.
maybe i was born a failure.

damn.
then wan zhen ang foonghui saw my marks.
when i was chloe they all.
then i was like.
"eehhh.... nolanola"
then change subject.
scarrry leh. they already guessing liao.

anybody can know except my classmates.
i don't know why.
maybe i don't trust them fully yet.
what ever la.

it's like,
i want to stop doing all these.
but everytime when my emotions get mixed up.
like when i get pissed off,
unhappy, or what ever.
other than happy.
i just don't know how to express my emotions.
get it?
i just do it all on myself.

sometimes,
it's just like,
it really isn't all because of him already.
i haven't get over it.
partially him.
i started off cause of him.
then it progressed further.
i think they call it 沉默.
Or whatever lor.

something like,
i started to keep everything to myself,
instead of showing it out.
and slowly i lost the ability to express my emotions.
and i expressed it all on myself.
what a bad thing to do.

now i have to start afresh.
learn how to express them again.
thats my main goal now.
i have to learn it again -.-
it may take me forever luh...

2008-09-07T17:05:00.005+08:00

chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
go fuck your momma la stupid chinese teachers.
useless bitches and bastards.
you all suck big time
honestly, i hate you chinese, and fucktard, go eat the shit stuffed into your fucking big mouth. arseholes. you all deserve to die.

2008-09-07T16:09:00.003+08:00

well. here's the reason why i'm doing all these.
look below D:
if you want to luh.
---
Firstly,
what happened to me was the first time.
first experience usually shock me vry hard.
or maybe, hit me hard.
especially this incident.
i mean,
being separated from who you want to be with.
heartbreaking, saddening, depressing.

confusion.
and it adds up to one word.
pain.

i mean,
really la,
none of you will ever understand how i feel.
or how doing all these helps.
i'm just explaining simply.

this sucks.

2008-09-07T01:59:00.003+08:00

i want to stop all these.
heh, but it seems so impossible..
and try to see my hand.
it's filled with ugly marks.
and new cuts duh.
nabei -points middle finger-

from now on,
whoever wants to see,
i don't care.
all you have to do is to carry up my hand.
pull away my watch.
and stare at my wrist.

i don't care anymore.
i just want to keep on trying,
i'll definitely give up at times.
but i'll try my best to persevere.
but if you all want to see it so much,
then see.

if you want to know why i do all these.
find out in my next post.
it's 2a.m and my mom is nagging for me to BATHE
-.- DIRTY SMELLY me.

2008-09-05T22:12:00.002+08:00

but i'll continue trying.
try till the end of my life.
if i still ain't successful,
at least i die with no regrets,
die knowing i tried.

13 more posts i think,
to 100 posts.
then i may lock.
or not.
depends on my mood that day.
byebye, ciao

2008-09-05T20:53:00.002+08:00

i wish a car would run me over.
end all these.
damn...
isit really that hopeless,
or am i not trying hard enough.

and i've spent enough time hiding in my bloody room,
crying my heart out.
and about 15-20mins to cooldown,
so it wouldn't be obvious.
or invisible.

i don't want to talk about the cuts.
i don't want to make you feel guilty valen.
cause in the first place,
it wasn't your fault.

i think i feel bad enough,
i think i made you sink in even further.
i think i added to your troubles.
i think i'm a stupid burden on your shoulders.
and i'm grateful for what you've done for me.
but don't always feel guilty,
even if you think you've done something wrong.
just try to change it luh.
like, correcting a mistake.

i feel like closing this blog,
or locking it after i reach 100 posts.
blah,
it contains stupid dark memories.
i don't know.
i'm really confused and uber tired.
i can just faint anytime on any road.
>.<

2008-09-05T17:43:00.002+08:00

see, life is so unpredictable.
benedict loh was like,
a healthy active boy.
and now he's lying in the ICU ward.
fuck you god.
why do you have to make those who didn't do much harm suffer so much.

don't need to see also want to cry liao.
rabitah said he woke up,
good thing luh.
and his mom will sms her when he moves to normal ward.

i wish we could share a heart,
like how we could share a kidney -.-
but no luh,
now we have to use a life to save another.
as in, use a dead person's one.
yuck, but its to save a life.
--------------

and dang,
i'm really afraid someone in my family will find out about it.
what i'm doing now luh.
fuck, why did i even start it.
i want to stop.

shit,'
the wounds hurt when come into contact with water.
>.< damn it,
why am i complaining when i did all these to myself -.-
stupid me.

i really must stop but it's so difficult.
i almost stabbed myself ACCIDENTALLY lol.
i wanted to use it to scratch me tummeh,
but i used the wrong end to scratched,
and pressed vry hard instead -.-
stupid luh, i just woke up to do maths mah.
--

aw man,
my left hand gonna be damn ugly.
shit.
fuckass.
i take things more harder now.
and i'm more sensitive to the happenings nowadays.
well,
i'm not surprised.
all these changed me so much anyway.

2008-09-05T00:43:00.002+08:00

it's always like this everynight.
i just want to cry myself to sleep.
and this shall be the first time since the first night i wanted to cry.
so tiring..
dang.............

save me from maths luh.
cus everytime i see a compass.
then the addiction just kicks up.
stop, lets stop talking bout it liao.
bye. nites/morning. 0.0

2008-09-04T22:18:00.002+08:00

i hate people with the surname "Quek" now,
i just tore a magazine talking bout a certain "Quek"
and i got scolded by my mom.
i just can't control myself anymore.
arrgghh. i must try harder.
but all these is so tiring i almost stopped,
and i must learn to treasure life,
cause not everyone lives like me.
blehx ;X
i want to become the old me,
but it'll never happen,
never.

somehow i miss my old self,
i want to go back to my past.
i'm still living in delusion.
its already 2008,
but i want 2007.
rubbish..

2008-09-04T20:03:00.002+08:00

hah, i managed.
didn't do it for a day.
perhaps its because i was "busy".
rebond hair,
bmt out with chang, zeng feng, benson and darren tien.
who has the time to do IT.

but i really hope i can continue this way.
the marks on me will stay throughout my life luh,
and it'll leave with me bad memories.
darn, why did i start and can't stop.
i wanna stop,
for myself,
to not piss lesbo valen,
and for those who care for me.

and fuck,
i pulled a muscle and its aching like !@#$
fark.
and i'm not in a really good mood now.
cause the chicken rice store closed on me,
i have no proper dinner.
what other bad things can happen.

and my mom constantly nags me to start on my homework.
and she doesn't know she's making me pissed off with homework.
homeworkhomeworkhomework.
blahh.. ;x
fuck you RVHS.
its holidays kay assholes.
we're supposed to rest,
and turns out there's homework.
CCA. <--- worst thing.
i have to face his fucking old face.

i'm still feeling mentally tired,
but i really want to try,
not to give up.
i don't think anyone will understand.
how tired i'm feeling luh.
i really don't want to let anyone down,
esp; myself.
but recently i just don't feel like waking up in the morning.
wake up to face reality.

i want to stay in fantasy.
dreams come through,
wishes come through.
everything is soo happy.
i could travel through time,
to when i was a toddler,
carefree, happy, cuddled.
to when i was old.
haggard, short tempered and dying. but happy.

now i have to wait for time to pass.
and see the meaningless cycle luh.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

when we're babies,
we have to learn how to obey orders.
learn to regconise people.

when we are children,
we have to learn the basics,
which takes a long time and vry hard.
and its compulsory.

when we're teenagers,
we get restricted by our parents,
scolded by teachers,
flooded with homework, CCA, stress and pressure bla.
and we have to score good marks to appease our parents..
and they say suffer now and enjoy life ahead.
pls read on and you'll understand why i oppose this statement.

when we're 20+,
we worry whether our parents rejects our partner.
we worry if we'll ever have a proper job.
and if we have, we have job worries. -.-
..

when we're married,
we worry whether we can have babies. -.-
we worry if the marrige works out.
we have to worry about our financial status.

when we grow old,
we worry if our children are successful in life,
we worry if they'll be happy when we're gone.
we worry if they'll not want us,
sendus to old folks home.

when we die,
we still worry,
whether our children will fight over the inheritance.
whether they'll live in harmony,
whether they'll live to a ripe old age.
--------------
all these worrying. -.-
wheres the enjoyment then. tell me.
i want to know.
i want to know the point of me living.
i want to live for a purpose.

if i live to die at the same time worrying,
i shouldn't have come into this world in the first place.
is this something anyone can tell me?
blah i feel so meaningless.
so useless.

it's like,
i can't help anyone do something at all.
why is it this way..
dang,
damn it.. ;x

2008-09-02T21:10:00.002+08:00

i'm pissed at today.
today sucked.
i don't know why but i gave in to addiction again.
fuck, is this like, drugs or what.
...

fine,
see this post and maybe me and you will know.
--
training today sucked.
2rounds warm up,
12 rounds run,
2 rounds cool down.

we're not pigs yea?
why make us run like this.
are you INSULTING us secretly or what.
we can do much better than that.

fucking pissed off after training.
and my pin on my pinafore dropped off.
COINCIDENCE.
i know, too much of one,
but it happened to me.

then i started to stare,
and when i had to see my teammates training below,
i gave in to my addiction.
and its damn big red scar across my wrist.
i'm trying,
trying but i gave in.
i'm confused and tired and i don't want to continue.
tell me what to do someone..

cross it,
i couldn't stand it anymore,
and i went to the bus-stop to wait instead,
so i won't have to see team train.
through the passage where HE and they could not see me.
DUH~

and chang made such a big fuss out of it,
and shouted to the whole world -.-
i wanted to push her down the tracks that moment.
LOL. SERIOUS LA!
next time i'll improve la,
i just cut off her tongue can liao.

~~cutcutcut~~,
fuck ALL these.
don't mind my language i say again.
i'm bloody hell FUCKED UP.

to valen:
you told me not to give up.
but to try.
i'm trying but are you?
i don't want you to only think about others.
think about yourself too.
if you ain't gonna try,
i'm not.
cause i'm really tired,
no motivations, nothing.
lets do this tgt lesbo.
STEOH LOVES LESBO LOOK-A-LIKE VALEN<333333333333333333333333333333333

2008-09-01T20:50:00.001+08:00

all these isn't for him to know.
its to divert everything i'm thinking.
F.Y.I i don't want him to know anything,
i don't want to let him know he's won.

2008-09-01T20:01:00.004+08:00

dang.
my knee is like,
leaking pus. (ewww..)

sucks la.
it's like,
i feel pain EVERYWHERE.
is this like my first time feeling this way or what.
i used to be so happy everyday,
even my friends were filled with envy.
now when i see others i envy them.

there seems to be no happiness at all.
and its so pain mentally,
i had to do it physically to divert my pain.
and i don't know why,
it feels better everytime i do it.
i'll be staring at my cuts and my attention is diverted.

seems to be that nothing is interesting in my life nowadays.
no events,
just these depressed thoughts.

and blah, i want no sympathy,
i don't deserve any.

infact u all should be angry at me for doing all these.
i'm not self-pitying myself.
i'm self-hating(?).
cus i really hate myself for doing all these,
instead of facing it.

but i really don't have the courage to talk about all these,
or even think about them luh,
they are really vry dark and scary to me.
maybe one day,
one day i'll have the courage to talk or think about them.
or i'll just stay in this plot of darkness and never come out.

i just hope i'll have the courage instead.
so i can be happier at least,
but i'll never be as happy as last time.

and, act at SAPS was successful.
wasn't all that difficult actually.
only after halfway i got a little more quiet.
yea, before i talked to ms lek.

fuck, i shan't talk bout it more.
and damn, stoning in the morning brought another cut to me.
i hate all these la.
it seems that i can't stop stoning.
i'm not really sub-conscious i think.
i somewhat know what i did.
just that i couldn't really get over the state of mind,
and stop myself. and i get physical pain,
to divert mental pain.

its really better to say all these out.
yea and srsly,
i think i'm a disappointment to all of you.
i know i suck la.
after all everyone's efforts to help me.
i fall back in?
bleh, i wish this world would hate me,
so i would feel better.

please don't tell me you care.
cause it makes me feel worst.
i don't know what i want.
and i don't want to implicate anyone in my problems.
i do things alone now.

sorry if i've let you down.

just know that you won't have to waste your time on me now.
i'll handle these by myself.
so just forget me.
and carry on with your normal and happy lives,
and treasure things around you.

2008-09-01T16:55:00.002+08:00

Why is it so sucky today...
bleh :x,
and i'm afraid it may kick up and i'll start doing stupid things.
tryyyy....
i'm controlling, but out of this 100% addictions,
only 5% control i guess.

and my knee sucks.
the wound seemed to have opened up yest.
and i can't bend down at all.
tmr's training will suck.
in fact all trainings suck.

and fuck,
9a.m in school for bloody PSL interview.
should i even have went for it...
stupid,
i shouldn't regret blah.
just try my best lor...

fuck tmr,
fuck training at 3p.m.
i don't want to go and see HIS face.
i think i shall bring my homework tmr and do,
since its a wait from about 10a.m. to 3p.m.
5 hours ugh, ;x

and i'm feeling bloody depressed now,
i don't know why.
something happened just now that made me this way ba.
and pls not let msthio come to this blog...
valen said she can do ANYTHING.

but i'm not afraid.
i don't think she has my contact.
anyway, i ignore anonymous calls.
her prob.

blah,
3 compasses.
a penknife.
swiss knife.
addiction
= no hand left 0.o

save me someone.
anytime if this addiction kicks up,
ANYTHING may happen to my hand.
and i love my hand.
cus i'm trying to use left hand to write and draw.
T_T i'm stuck.
damn, i hate myself and i want to end this all.

2008-08-31T21:39:00.004+08:00

haha ok. to avoid any depressing posts,
Valen asked me to blog bout her!
well, i used green for her name cus she's in peace house.
but joy house rocks more! =D

hah, and i remember,
we used to be not as close as now last time.
so suddenly cus of my depressing case,
we seemed to become so close,
to the extent we're lesbos look-a-like.
XD i wish i paid more attention to her last time,
so she wouldn't have started doing it

i definitely ccould have stopped her,
with my personality,
last time yea,
happy-go-lucky.
i could have induced a bit of it into her,
so she not so emo.

many thanks to you
brendan ong,
you know you suck big time,
u made an innocent and naive girl fall into the hands of emo-ness.
and now she has trouble.
-points middle finger-

You're just like duck(quek)
heh, and maybe one day,
both of u will be DEAD gone.
Then i'd rejoice,
the riddance of two unworthy souls.
bleh ;x

anyway,
i want to dedicate this post to my,
LESBO LOOK-A-LIKE!<3333333333
Who is VALENCIA QUAH YAN TING!
I LOVE YOU BIG TIME.<33333333333333333

thanks for being with me everytime the addiction kicks up.
i think everytime it kicks up and i sms u,
u ask me to stop,
i've avoided doing it many times already.
and i'm damn grateful for that.

and i'm damn guilty for making u feel bad,
for not being able to help me in this way,
cus its not your fault i'm doing all these,
its my own stupid decision.

andand, u really scare me sometimes,
the marks on your arm.
lets try to stop this.
cause if you don't stop,
i won't. if you jump, i'll jump.
you're not the only one who isn't afraid to dare,
i dare to dare as well (0.o)

but i still love you for being there with me almost all the time.
=D i want to be your lesbo look-a-like forever.
=D
then we les everyday.
LOL. see i'm smiling suddenly because of you.
you make my day =D

Steoh
<333333333333333333333333333333333333333s
Valencia Quah YAN TING

2008-08-30T15:43:00.003+08:00

sucks.
they're swimming,
i'm slacking at home.
fuck. and new cuts.
i srsly hate myself for doing all these.

damn.
sorry valen.
but i'm trying but nothing seems to be working.
dang. ;x

i want to be honest with u Valen.
and with those that know what i'm doing.
my arms, those below my elbow,
all done by me.
why, i dun know myself.

i just feel pathetic doing all these and i wanna stop.
but i'm sunk to the extent my head is already under.
can see my hair only. cus my hair is high. LOL
damn. fake laughters all the time.
nothing to laugh about nowadays ya?

...
there i go thinking again.
they're swimming.
i'm eating seaweed crackers,
what shit is this?

i know i shouldn't do this la.
but i can't seem to stop.
it's a bigbig addiction.
i can stop it actually,
chop off my right hand?
so it can't do on my left hand.

blah.
penknives
and a newly bought swiss knife.

i suck.
big time.

2008-08-30T10:19:00.003+08:00

fuck.
we're being left out like shit.
he didn't even inform us about the holiday tuesday training time.
fuck all these;

this is like the first time i'm having mood swings,
as in, when i come THAT ONE.
damn. i was just being pissed off at everyone at home.

and fine, if u want to know what i'm doing
i'm slitting. satisfied?
now you know how pathetic i am.
fine wadever.

i keep trying to stop but it seems to be useless.
you can see the marks,
and it's fucking scary.
sometimes i just feel like ending all these.
but i can't, and i shouldn't

ending all these means losing,
giving in to HIM,
and at the same time making those around me sad.
fuck.
Doing this and that are all wrong.
fuck?!

forgive me for being so vulgar.
i'm really pissed off like shiet now.
damn.
what can i do?
continue doing it?
yea, when i keep saying i try to stop. -.-"

i think i suck big time.
damn

2008-08-29T18:43:00.006+08:00

Hmm, i feel bad for lying to Valen that those weren't my cuts.
but turned out i was just trick her actually.
its red leh. then i told everyone it's because of the drain.
even sheena la. cus it was before the drain prob when i did it.
shit, i hate myself for doing all these and i want to stop.

and fuck, ms loh was trying to see it,
and she tried to pretend,
by asking to talk to me to ask me if i want to go for a drink.
then can see that she was trying to see my arm.
ya. talk about trust...

then bowling,
miracle la, i struck almost every turn.
=D i improved.
i feel like a gifted bowler. =D
i rock =D

went to macs with bella, valen, shannnon, kai ngee and joel.
then Valen kept telling me i had to do something,
then i pissed her off by keep saying nothing.
sorry Valen, i love you la...
then shortly after bella joel and kai ngee went off.
then me valen and shannon went to playground<3
valencia quah yan ting.
Steoh here <33333333333s

2008-08-27T22:32:00.002+08:00

scream.
i'm not included in the relay.
fuck.
how could he.
i'm still part of cross-country.
he doesn't has the right to do this.
scram out of our lives stupid duck.

2008-08-27T17:37:00.003+08:00

great. i thought it would be a fine day today.
turned up otherwise.
and to think i kept promising to stop.
and turned up PDP i had my compass.

then went home super pissed off,
why? for NOTHING.
i was AP-ing my piano teacher.
sian...

tmr's gonna be badd.
Computer,
boring la. FLASH sucks big time.
and then there's relay,
cross ain't running, they're part of organising?
and i'm gonna be left out.
play badminton with huey chyi.
ahh, who feels like it when your teammates are having fun without you?

fuck.

Valen said ms loh is going to talk to me on Friday.
damn, why so kaypoh.
always talk to me about something the moment i see her.
fine talk then talk. i won't tell her a single thing.
wonder if i can take it like nothing happened.
her talks are boliao 1.
"i know i'm a kind and understanding teacher -.-" "

talk to her also can vomit blood.
i can win anybody at talking but her -.-

blah, no mood to do anything at all,
and i thought tests over would cheer me up,
but hearing the results of the other class,
i think i've lost hope.

i think i want to cry it all out.
at least i can let everything out,
since no one's at home again,
and the best way to distract myself.
>.<

where's justice in this world anyway.
when i was young i wanted to be a lawyer?
a policewoman. -.- stupid ideas.
i wanted to uphold justice?
then when i saw everything in this society,
i started to turn to the side where i thought,
everything has no justice.
School, homework, CCA, holidays, society, law.

Then I realised what a failure this society is,
talking big all the time about laws and everything.
but nothing is done.
even a cold-blooded murderer could be let off.
see how this world can be such a letdown,
even at times when you're down,
you see the world as a letdown.
failing in all ways as INTERNATIONALLY.

cheemology.
what am i even saying.
i contribute to this society,
so we're all making it fail?
bleh :x

they said staff of police force have no future,
their pay can be low,
their lives are at risk,
all just to uphold justice.
i wanted to be like that D=
then when i saw what was happening in this world,
i completely lost interest in what i dreamt of.

world peace.
yea right,
it'll take forever to achieve that.
it never happens,
and to think we IDIOTS thought world peace should be our dream.
harhar, -.-"

everytime u see CNY resolutions,
all of them say,
WORLD PEACE. (then they smile =D)
personally i thought they were being dumb,
why wish for an unwishable idea.
-.-"
see how useless this world has become.
all thoughts and no actions.
yea yea,
i'm what i say,
all thoughts no actions.

i promised time over time,
i'd stop what i was doing.
turned up i sunk deeper instead.
and when others tell me to stop,
they tell me they care or what,
i feel like a letdown.
i neglected their expectations of me?
i'm a big disappointment,
even if u don't feel that way i do.

世界变成什么样子，
你我最清楚.
已经失去了希望.
梦想也都毁了.

2008-08-25T21:42:00.001+08:00

i need to CONTROLLLL.
it keeps happening.
i'm shivering,
not cold,
fear.

someone PULL ME OUT.
i'm sinking now.
and i'm sinking even faster.
help me.

2008-08-25T18:11:00.003+08:00

i feel like a failure.
a big one as well.
failing my geography.
i thought it wouldn't affect me.
guess i take things too hard nowadays.

a small setback could even tear me apart.
its like tearing a small piece of paper,
just that the small piece of paper is me.

to tracy:
thanks for spending so much time writing that letter.
i really appreciate it.
i realise i haven't been treasuring much of the people around me,
not even now, last time as well.
thats why i left SAPS with so much regrets.
i haven't been really happy since.
you spotted a change i didn't even notice in myself.
i promise i'll start to love myself more.
over a time span though,
its impossible to change straight away.
but i believe with the help of team<3
不公平. 一点也不公平
为什么是我？
生命深深地被刺了几刀.
需爱与希望.

2008-08-22T21:07:00.002+08:00

valen CALLED ms loh to tell her.
and most probably ms loh will talk to me,
waaaa, diao...
sometimes i feel valen is my senior instead.

but one of ms loh's reply was touching yea.
"you don't want to chat with me?
you'll always be my student steph.
i still care abt you."

wahh. i almost cried upon looking at these.
and valen said her response to her telling msloh what i did was,
"what? you mean stephanie from last year?"
LOL.

anyway. i feel like crying now

2008-08-22T17:16:00.003+08:00

today was a bad day.
badbadbadbadbadbadbadbad.
day.

i was passed a paper clip,
which metal was revealed.
sharp eh.
then i started thinking about the race after school.
which i was supposed to go,
not run, but at least go and cheer on them.

then i sunk into mild depression.
stoned.
this time i stoned like hell out of my chinese and science.
then followed by some obvious stuffs did by yours truely.

i have...
one, two, three of it now.
and stupid joanne had to go tell chang.
who successfully saw it through violent means,
and help from jasmine and LIEWjieying(i like your surname)
so damn gan ga. then i was soooo scared i would start stoning.
so i tried to sleep during lang. arts.

and i tellyou, i damn suei 1 lor.
i was sleeping, then mr chua was walking around the school,
he walked by my classroom and saw me sleeping.
then he stood outside and STARED at me.
then the whole class damn QUIET.
so i woke up lor, cus it was unusually quiet.
then i saw everyone looking out the window and i felt damn weird,
so i moved my eyeballs to my right, and caught a glimpse of chua,
so i pretended not to see him,
and turned my head to the left and smiled at my classmates.
until he walked away then i fucking stoned.

blA. so depressing.
carrots are running,
i'm slacking.
when will all these end.
he doesn't know it's so hard for me now.
watching your team run,
and you can't join in with them.
bleh, the worst thing is getting withdrawed from races.

it's getting worst this addiction.
i din use sharpsharp objects,
just now i used a penknife.
see the difference.
i should keep this down,
hopefully not everyone visits this blog,
and asks me alot about this incident.

2008-08-21T21:36:00.002+08:00

crying helps big time

today was a typical stupid day.
at least i got to meet valen, shannon and kai ngee=D
i miss them.
then they started to "Fight" with me.
and i told them i definitely stronger.
but they won,
but underhand means.
TICKLING i'm scared of.

then i went home and i was alone.
thought of team swimming,
and then all the pissed off feelings came.
>.<
so i sat, leaned against my cupboard,
suddenly started crying like shit.
i cried for 15mins or so then i stopped.
felt so much better.
but i feel more down.

i miss the team,
the times we had together.
now we only can be together on tuesdays.
every thursday i think of them meeting up to swim,
i avoid the canteen.

THEN. something badbad happened.
stoning is officially bad for me.
so i was half blind after crying,
went to take my pencil case to do homework.
then i stoned(rocked) ._.
badbad. try guessing what happened next T_T
painpain.

stupid.
stuppeeeeddd.
sttuuuuuupppiiiiiiiig.
i need to control.
if not it'll turn out like what valen said lor.
worst. and it hurts.
diverts attention but stupid.
torturing myself because of him..

yaya, blabla.
blind words and no action.
typical me.
and shannon was right.
she noticed the change.

quieter,
not so active.
this is what happened when HE came to change everything.
and i'd say i prefer my old self.
happy-go-lucky.
cheeky, mischievous.
at least i was happy.
maybe lets see if the teachers in SAPS can notice my change.
i'll try my best to hide it.

then today, school dismissed.
i went up to 2nd floor after getting pissed for no reason.
i was practically standing outside classroom after every lesson,
leaning my head on the pillar and dunno doing what.
then my heart felt heavy for no reason.

bleh. they're having race tmr.
i was supposed to be in it,
not running but at least in it.
then he changed everything yea.
jiayou carrots.

bla. thank my blog for letting me say all these out.
at least it doesn't have comments or whatever.
>.< where did all my happy posts go to.
i didn't think it would happen to me,
so it hit me harder.
and to think i thought i had 心理准备.
guess not la. what hit me the most,
was these 4 words from HIM.
"it's all your fault"
then the verdict.

then they could talk about race,
swimming everything in the morning.
and i would just pretend i din't hear anything.
*sigh*
wonder how long more can i take this.

it lasted longer than expected.
it may never be over.
thats what i don't hope for though.
i hope it would be over soon.
addiction;

2008-08-20T18:32:00.002+08:00

it broke my heart straight on.
looking at my team having fun while i have to do something else.
the year 1s overall.

they could laugh together,
train together,
motivate each other.
team with each other.
and i was to be left out.

what shit is this.
somehow i can't seem to.
like,
look at it on the bright side.
i have to lose out on the team.
and my stamina suck now.
13:10mins. 2.4km
what shit is this.

and HE said he wanted us to improve.
training once a week?
YA RIGHT.
then if we don't improve,
he'd probably find fault with us.

now theres a song that can describe all this.
左右为难
and the idiom
进退两难
how much we try to do good,
he finds fault. and i can guess.

if i go for make up runs on my own and i improve suddenly,
he asks why,
i say i go for make up runs on my own.
he'd probably say,
i told you not to waste time.
i want you to STUDY!

THEN,
if i don't go for make-up runs,
and i don't improve,
he'll probably say,
you should have gone for make up runs,
even though i restricted you to one day only.
this shows how uninterested you are towards running.
bleh. :x

and everytime my mom talks about quek,
like whether he'll allow me back,
then i have to change the subject.
cus it demoralises me.
and i promised not to think too much bout it.

and today.
WORST.
tan kim chuan took my class.
he seemed to keep looking at me.
naw la naw la,
STARING more appropriate to describe.

then i was giving him the,
"fuck your momma to death" look.
wad a momma.
REMEMBER.
if you're gonna come to RV.
don't join cross-country.
i don't want you to suffer.

and i tried to spot valen's cuts.
turn out she spotted mine instead BLA.
and probably from past experiences of hers.
she know what i used.

shan't talk about all these.
addiction.
i don't like it.
just some kind of addiction?
just minor though.

ciao darlings who love me

2008-08-18T19:21:00.002+08:00

Heck i'm not scolding you or whatever seokyin.
but you won't understand how i feel.
i'm not trying to gain sympathy.
i can lock this blog and start a new one.
but until it reaches 100 posts i won't. -.-
which i think will take forever

i can write in a journal I KNOW. but someone's bound to find it.
especially since my mom doesn't know i WORSHIP privacy,
and i hate writing.

if you think i'm doing it purposely,
i'm not.
at first yes, i was dumb to think it would help.
then it got worst.

actually what you said made sense.
but i take such things harder than you think i would.
my passion is running.
thats why everything he said has a harder blow on me.
pandian knows when to be serious.
quek scolds or lectures me even not during training.

thanks for telling me what i've been doing.
but i need more time to think.
i'm trying my best to stop.
you won't understand if you haven't been through it..

i don't need sympathy,
i never needed it.
i haven't given up,
i never will.
this is just a setback in lives.

it happens in everybody's life.
just that i took it harder than expected.
i thought i was ready for him.
i wish someone would just scold me infront.
i think that someone would be you.

i'm stopping,
i'm trying to control.
thanks to the team who encouraged me.
but now it's really up to me to overcome this.
so if you think i'm stupid or what,
don't tag me.
just ignore. cause it'll take some time.

bleh, i wish all these was just a dream.
wake up,
and poof its gone.

i wish i was just a cute lil' pri 1.
so carefree.
1+1=?
1 2

and the teachers are making it harder for me.
i WILL lock this blog someday.
i want my own world.
where i don't need to write.

and here's a smile for you. =D
don't push me too hard for now. =D
byes =D

2008-08-18T17:06:00.003+08:00

actually i know it myself,
that not going on thursdays and saturdays,
blessings in diguise.
but i don't really know whats bothering me.
my wrist got cut during exams la.
then it bled. just a little.
dunce.

everytime the crossers talk about races or trainings,
i feel out yea?
i don't know what to say.
i wasn't given the chance to participate.
blehx ;x

not to mention tmr.
he's gonna dao me meihui kelly and hui chyi.
damn bloody shit ass.
feeling uber pissed off.

Thanks for chatting Valen.
i think we're under the same kind of pressure.
so we kind of understand the feeling.
i don't know what happened to you,
since you won't tell me,
i won't force you as well.
since i din't tell you too.

i was supposed to be strong yea?
a fighter.
i once was,
now i crumbled under him.
i don''t want to let him know my feelings.
fuck that old man.
wait, no one wants to fuck an old bloody old man.

took penknife out to play.
i took it to cut my paper.
then i STONED.
but i din't do it
cus she wanted it back *phew*

but i had this strong urge to do it.
but i couldn't control during exams,
so i kept using my nails.
since there was so much time left. =X
i couldn't sleep so i stoned.
i wouldn't want to classify as emo.
cus i don't want to be emo kia JOANNE CHEW.

stoning is officially bad for ME now.
i'm uber scared i got scar leh.
it won't be nice with scars on my arms.

if ms loh hears of this,
she'll be disappointed in me i bet.
i mean,
after all she said to me last time.
i don't want to disappoint anyone.

then my mom kept asking me why i
心事重重.
then i was like:
NO LA NO LA.
then i changed the subject to table tennis.

and i'm vry touched by valen.
other than the fact she called me ELDERLY,
instead of OLDER.
she said if the both of us were stuck in quicksand,
sinking quick,
she'll push me out.

Then i said i can't let her do that.
I'm the SENIOR mah.
i must protect junior.
then she say young must help ELDERLY.
but she's not much younger than me though. =P

WHAHAHA.
I'M JUST OLDER THAN HER BY 1 MONTH! =D
I'M NOT OLD! =D
MINUS 23RD DECEMBER WITH 14 FEBUARY FOR ME PLS!
=D

i'm dreading tmr.
where i have to slack.
then i probably will do some sha shi.
then i'll bleed even more.
don't scare myself la.

Ciao...

fuck, quek, mother fucker, depressed, me

2008-08-17T20:59:00.002+08:00

bleh. the cuts are obvious now.
the ones i used the scissors with.
good thing i stopped in time.
or maybe say.
good thing my parents came home on time.

i want to stop all these.
the cuts hurt, pain.
but it helps to divert my attention.
i know i sound pathetic.
after all the tries from JOANNE
to put some confidence in me.
i still felt lost though.

i'm scared.
i don't know of what though.
i don't even understand what i'm thinking.
its a new cut.
above the wrists.
and thats where its more obvious.
now my watch can't block it.
dang.:x

help me.
i wish someone really understand how i feel.
but no one can.
it's really up to myself, alone again.
with some encouragement from the team.
i don't want tuesdays thursdays and saturdays.
everyone's putting effort while i'm forced to slack.

2008-08-17T17:20:00.002+08:00

i'm lost
i haven't give up.
i just dunno what to do.
its my first time all these happened.

I know the team's there joanne.
but its a feeling not everyone will be able to understand.
all these is weird.
suddenly i'm blogging so much.
i feel like a disappointment.
:x i thought smiling or laughing would help.
faking doesn't. it turned up useless.

i thought playing the piano whole day would help.
no, it didn't. i felt worst.
the worst feeling is to know that your team is sweating out there.
while you have to slack unwillingly.
maybe i'll breakdown on that day.

the swellings down.
just now my parents and bro went out.
then i ate my lunch,
took scissors to open it.
then i started stoning and guess what happened.
i somehow SANK into subconscious mood.
lucky my skin was tough enough.
if not i'd probably cut myself to death ler.

its an addiction.
i thought i should checkit on the internet.
guess its useless.
its actually up to me to overcome it.
only me alone.

2008-08-17T10:43:00.003+08:00

tdy's crossing day.
and i have to be at home while the rest run.
how demoralising.

i'm afraid to run now.
everytime i see the real run shirt on somebody,
i'll freak out and walk another direction.
i can't stand it,
it just reminds me of bad things.

my parents think i'm happy,
cause i don't need to go for trainings,
especially on saturdays.
wishful thinking on their part.
since i told them that way.

i know i shouldn't write this way.
since everyone who cares is gonna be disappointed.
then tell me where else should i say all these.
or who else i should say to.
i'm making the team unhappy i know.
sorry, i didn't want all these to happen.

just concentrate on running,
don't care about me lah,
i know what i'm doing.
i'll probably get over it soon enough.

bleh. its weird i keep saying all these,
and somehow i try and it doesn't work.
don't think i'm not trying.
it was done sub consciously.
so i don't know what happened,
only feel it happen.

i got this fear of upcoming tuesday.
i'm gonna have to run for nothing,
and then go home early.
and i have to buy compass for test.

and here i am doing all these with it.

its not that i don't want to say it to anyone,
i don't have this courage.
i never was the stephanie i once was sey.
not since being through training with him for 2 months,
i had to change according to his will.
everytime he says something,
it affects my life a whole lot more than i think it would.
just because i was dumb.
dumb enough to follow what he said.

maybe i really belong in track.
maybe, but the team is like a stranger.
nothing beats having the team with you when you're down.
pandian is nice, track team is nice.
but somehow it'll never be as nice as cross-country's team.

just conclusion.
no one will ever know what i'm going through.
maybe this is part and parcel of life.
where everything falls and no one seems to be there.

i'm trying to get over with these blog posts,
but everytime i think of a topic,
this comes into my mind.
no where else to say it,
no one else to hear it.
this is the best place.

definitely soon i'll be gone,
if i don't stop.
it hurts, it really does.
but what can i do? nothing at all.
nothing good really comes my way.

2008-08-16T22:02:00.002+08:00

seychee sent me an email.
she wants to comfort me,
but she says she's bad at these.
i think u did well.
i did feel better,
at least someone knows whats happening.

Actually, posting on my blog all these,
wasn't really a great idea.
i don't want anyone to know,
posting here is actually a way to let out all my troubles,
i don't want to make it personal.
it'll be boring.

So if you think what i blogged is worth concerning,
sui bian, just don't tell anyone.
not anyone, best only a few knows.
don't worry or what.

i'm trying my best already.
but its not that i don't want to,
i'm not purposely doing it or what.
Its like, i sink into subconscious mood everytime.
then i can't control anything,
cause it's like,
i don't even know that something's happening.

at first i tried,
i knew i did it.
i thought it would help,
but it became worst.
it feels like, an addiction now.
i can't stop, i try, but i can't.
someone pull me out,
i'm sinking further.

i can swim,
but this ain't water,
its quicksand.
i'm sinking quick,
and if no one pulls me out,
i'll be dead in no time.

but i still want to tell valen,
don't do it, i know its tempting.
but knives are dangerous.
its a weapon,
as well as a cutlery.

don't do it anymore.
i know i'm becoming like you,
but i am trying to control.
i tell myself i can.
we're on the same boat.
if you sinkk, i sink as well.

i understand why you do this.
but i don't know why.
i'll never know why,
or understand why even.
but lets be there for each other.

it's pain, it isn't easy.
if i get distracted i won't do it.
no distractions now.
i do it for the remaining time of tests.

i may laugh,
its most probably cause i don't want anyone to know.
to know my emotions.
its confusing, scary.
its getting more pain now.

i want to stop,
although theres no wound,
but it hurts.
the constant times i do it,
its red. i don't want scars.
i want to stop. but i can't do anything.
but try.

i'm really confused.
this post makes it feel like,
i'm lying to myself.
i tell myself i'm trying,
maybe i'm not?

i haven't been like this before.
this isn't reflection,
its self-abuse.
i'm mentally weak now.
i don't want to go school.
i'm afraid the teachers know of it.
i don't want counselling.
its scary. but i'm afraid i'm forced.

if its so, i shan't go school.
why did he have to come and make my life so messed up.
is it necessary for him to do this to me.
he's destroying me.
i was never the stephanie everyone knew.
not since the 2nd or 3rd month.
since he changed me upside down.

so what if i'm more disciplined,
i want to be myself,
not to please anyone, not him definitely.
i wish all these never started.
i wish i could be in primary school.

active, playful, mischievous.
that was the way we all were.
immature, so?
we liked it, we loved ourselves and each other.

now we have to grow up,
mature.
emotions, actions, discipline.
blah.
we've changed into what they call us.
teenagers. and i don't like it.
i don't like this life.

time can't stop and i know it.
but i don't want this to continue.
i really don't know what to do now.
everytime i'm alone at home,
i can't help myself.
i either cry or start doing silly things.

i'm scared.
it never felt this way before.
and i had to cry alone.

it had to happen.
i've been crying when no one's at home with me.
i don't want anyone to know what happened.
and it had to end this way.
i feel alone with no one with me now.

2008-08-15T18:30:00.003+08:00

Caught by jessica chak todae.
she advised counselling,
but i said i was fine. :)

Its red, swelling,
but it'll go down in no time.
always like that one.
but i think its staying red for real.
T_T

i thought i wouldn't do it anymore,
but i unknowingly did so.
siannnnnn..

bla, my compass got confiscated after chak found out.
T_T
maths coming soon.
diaooo.
gotta go buy new one.

sian, primary school is the best.
the class was bonded.
the teacher was understanding,
the friends were caring,
life was carefree.

now the class suck.
they're ungrateful chaps.
PSL bdae coming.
4days.

asked them to buy present but they don't want.
fine then i buy lor
see first.
i'm too bored to even go out.

everyone mugging.
not a single soul talks to me now.
and there's 6 more days.
blehx.

sian la.
kelly's strong.
after what quek said,
she still went about comforting US instead.
i thought i was stronger.
but turned out i was weaker than i thought.

fake smiles for class photo.
>.<

i thought i was strong,
really strong.
guess i was wrong.
i'm all weak in the end..

2008-08-13T17:54:00.002+08:00

i'm feeling srsly down now.
i can't help thinking about tmr.
they'll all be waiting for each other to go trng,
while i'll walk by and just say bye.

Shit, i kept thinking of it during school la.
why did we have him in the first place.
sian.

Everyone's pissed off at something.
i've been doing the same thing in class luh.
and my classmates kept looking.

fuck them,
they and their kaypohness.
feighning concerns.
whatever.

"woah, what you doing"
then they just keep quiet and ask me pay attention
wtf, why was i in this class,
why not 1c.

sian. i'm damn uber depressed now.
why did my mom did it with my dad
and conceived me.
can't they wait a year more then do it.
then it most probably won't be me.

sian.. i don't mind missing sat's training.
but i want thurs,
he's making us run for no reason.
no purpose, whats the prob now.

I won't pia during training,
since no one appreciates.
i don't really like running now.
whats the point.
i run for carrots.
not for RVHS, not for quek,
not for anyone.

and he has to be so unreasonable.
i know i'm at wrong too.
but he ASSUMES i run for fun.
hellllooo.
what an asshole.

Now i know how kelly feels everytime.
everytime i feel like crying.
this never happened before.
i'm not going to cry before him.
i'm making sure he's the first to cry before the carrots.
rawr.

depressed. once in a blue moon.
i wish there was someone i could confide in,
someone to cry to.

2008-08-12T22:01:00.002+08:00

It's great to know that whenever you're down.
the team is with you through it all.

Fucking pissed off AND depressed now.

not sure what my motive for running is now.
i'm thinking of it all the time now.
thanks carrots,
for cheering me up.
Although it could only last a few hours...

They said pain could divert your attention.
I've been using the tablet pen to *ehem* my wrist now.
don't worry, no harm done.
just redness and some pain la.
At least i don't think of it too much.

I think my parents know what i'm *eheming* now.
They've been trying to take all sharp objects away.
especially my favourite scizzors.
And i was like,"
Hey my scizzors. return la."

LOL. my wrist is red la.
but no cuts, i don't want scars.
I'M DEPRESSED. i feel like crying.
all thanks to him. the freaking bastard.
he had to come into my life,
just at this time of it,
where i was having a real team.

He barges in and steps inbetween us.
and he starts being a hypocrite,
saying we're supposed to be a team.
and its good that we're really bonded,
but we tend to go too far?!
HEY, we're allowed to go out as a team.

i feel like crying luh..
i wanted to transfer to track,
but i want to stay with my team.
The only place i think is comfortable.
more than my classs.

Damn. i wish ms loh was with me.
then she could "counsel" me.
cheer me up?
suan me, whatever. it makes me happier.
but i love the carrots team.

I'm damn touched luh,
seeing how they were so concerned when i felt depressed,
they can be playful luh,
but when it's serious,
you can depend on them to be with you.

Special Thanks,
JoanneC,
Seychee,
Kelly,
Huey Chyi,
Meihui,

nana and lyddie laogongs.

i love you all.
owe u all a hug.
T_T.
too bad we have to train separate.
don't exclude us too much though.
i won't be happy. >.<

2 hands up = motherfucker,
thats what he is.
even with one hand up only,
he's either a mother(gay)
or a fucker. get lost and die as early as u can.

2008-08-11T20:05:00.002+08:00

Thanks to HIM,
seychee is demoraliised.

Seychee,
you ain't a shibai leader.
you're the best leader i've seen.
really the best.

And you said u couldn't do a thing,
with what we were talking bout.
You got it wrong.
When we do things, we do it TOGETHER.

A leader has the support of his/her team.
you definitely have ours.
that makes u a qualified leader of RVXC.

All it takes is all you've got.
you've got our support,
you've got potential.
You're our leader,
lead us to whatever you think is right.
we'll be behind you whereever u go.

Carrots dedi tmr. >.<

2008-08-10T15:10:00.002+08:00

its damn funny how the memories struck back suddenly.
Last LAST(?) friday, passed by my old church,
the one me and ruthy were in last time.
Acts baptist yep.
then suddenly my head vry dizzy,
then i thought i saw ruth with her short hair.

then i saw a scene where we were using marbles for an activity,
which i can't remember what it was about.
then the teacher said a verse,
the very common one.
but i only remember her saying the first part.
"For god so loved the world"(?)
then some words behind became too soft for me to hear.
and then, i remembered another girl.
older than me by 1,
obviously i know who liao,
Yi Xuan helped to confirm la.
that dumbo,
go and ask the girl.

Heh, at first she said no,
cus i gave the wrong name of her mom.
it was supposed to be Jeanette.
but i said jeniffer. -.-
wadever.

then she said she know this church,
oh wadever,
not like we will ever remember each other again anyway.
forget it.

He spoiled my mood.
i want a transfer.
:@
I don't wanted to let it happen again.
like it happened last time.

Mood: Confused, not a single happiness
Music: Untitled - Simple Plan

2008-08-10T14:22:00.002+08:00

ahh. so long never blog.
in the end log into blogger
they say my cookies got problem.
>.<
-------
Firstly, i want to say.
I've given up,
for the first time in all my life
relating to such subject.
I really have given up..

All thanks to him.
his miserable limits,
i've wasted 6 months of my life.
And he just stands there and say,
i've wasted his.

He's broken so many people's feelings.
those that wanted to do well so badly.
He just says a few words and *poof*
he makes every cry.

He thinks he's GOD.
expecting the fire coming naturally out of our mouths.
WOW.
our legs aren't ferrari.
they aren't lamborgini as well.
GIVE US A BREAK.
what do you mean by training on 9/08/08.

Every word you say means a lot to us.
and you say you are straightforward.
so ur not a hypocrite.
whatever. saying yourself like you are, JESUS.
free of sins eh? then die for us la.
don't renew your contract.
we'll be terribly excited and happy.

We're happier, off without you
When the seniors talked about how training was last time.
WITHOUT YOU,
you can feel how heartbroken and demoralised they are.
I know cross-country is not only a CCA,
its an achievement,
not everyone can make it.

But everyone has their own limits.
we could have been happy,
until you came strudding your feathers in.
and to think i MIGHT have to tahan you 3 more years.
no, infact, 3 and a half.

You ASSUMED that i was there for fun.
then tell me,
who would run 10km just to have fun.
you said u understood that,
no one would like being lectured.
But do you know,
or WOULD you expect,
that everytime you say that,
you are making a fool out of yourself.

Do you know how much you made a person change?
his/her thinking.
from + to -
and you pose with that heartless face of yours.
i think i can describe u with only one chinese idiom.
猪狗不如.

and if you want to know who this
HE / YOU is.
he obviously is
Steven Quek,
the world's worst coach ever.

2008-07-12T23:43:00.002+08:00

I think it's been a long time since i updated.
i promise i'll try my best to update often :)
-----------
Today was stupid. i was sooo looking forward to 10km...
RAWR. I WANT TO TRAIN 1.
then i had to wake up with my whole body aching and a rising fever.
curse that fever
!#$%^&*)(@
sian la. mr quek will talk to me on tues sure 1.
and training starts at like, 3.45??
so late can?
i'm obsessed with cross now.
Cao Zhi He asked a stupid question la.
"have u run like, 8km before?"
then i was like,
"idiot la u. i've been running it since, january? -.-"
I must inprovey 8km timing to 40mins. so i can do 10km under an hour.
abit siao la though. can la, must believe in myself.
i heard 3 peeps from 1e fell sick due to PE yst.
=P rocks. i hope they stay sick.
i feel evil.
whatever.

ate crab again, fall at my knees, leexueqi
=D went home yest with xueqi and sihui.
i love fridays. cus always have some carrots to go home with.
lets meet onn fridays to go home la.
so its better. =D
NSW maths nxtweek fri.
my bro was teaching my sec 2 stuff jus now.
the simple ones,
since my teeny brain can't stand big numbers.
standard forms?
wadwad some number x the 10 to the power of some number again.
-------------------------------
byebye, my naggy mom wants me to do sth.
-D

如果不是死亡，
我们的爱情还值得期待吗？
遇见你，
让我有永生的幻觉

2008-06-25T17:11:00.002+08:00

Aloha. missed me yea?
i know one la. so long never blog,
i bet u miss my crappings la.
i was some how too bored to death to blog.
holidays was just filled with trainings -.-"
and i still think macritchie ~~rocks~~sucks.
---------------------------------------
today was cool.
6 carrots went together.
Me, yueyin, joanne, xueqi, tracy, sheena.
hehe, this proves something.
track & field and x-country are still tgt!
we are united as one,
RVAthletics!!!

andand, sorry trackers.
i know u are unhappy over the cross tee we made.
ahh. i know we should have told u luh.
sorryryyyyryryryryy.
-------------------------------------------
Oyes, track nationals (both pri and sec) are coming.
i WILL support both.
TO SUPPORT THE TEAM!(and for the milo truck)
since some of them came to support cross nats.
=D
today. was kinda boring,
no P.E.
took height and weight.
I AM OFFICIALLY FAT.
i shan't tell you how.
but i shrunk 1cm.
they should have measured our height manually.
hmph. lazy zhus.
being underweight is better than overweight luhs.
but being normal is best. (:

PDP today. nothing much la.
youth day celebrations.
beatbox was nice.
heard they were from 2J.
nice job la. but my ass was itching from sitting too long.
hmph. year 2s get to sit on...
>.< anyway, they just got the VIP seats,
while we were tortured on the ground.
Swimming tomorrow is at Yuning's house you know?

WAHAHAHA.
yes, at her house!
no, not in her house!
yes, at her condo
no, not on the condo's ground!
yes, condos have swimming pool,
no, HDBs do not.
yes, it is not fair,
no, they paid more for condos.
YAY, there is SWIMMING TMR!

lol that was cool. yes and no(s)

xueqi is waiting for my POST!
i'm honoured.
because good'ol senior
xueqi,seychee
2 years older than me,
born 29/4/1993
studies in RVHS
class of 3D
Is in RVAthletics
Part of cross-country team. :)

THERE WE GO.
I SHALL CLICK
"PUBLISH POST"
click liao!

2008-06-08T21:19:00.003+08:00

This post is going to be interesting!!!! =P
summary first.
not in order yea?

10 ways to demoralise a marathon runner.(happily thought by Sharon, me and Seychee)
10.5km in the unforgotten forest
the STEPHANIE way of counting down
how to not run wrong directions in a forest.

Ok>i shall start with the Stephanie way of counting down.
ok. It all started during today's 10.5km run.
we witnessed the start of the run yea. but we were 2nd runners, so we didn't start.
yea so when they started we cheered them on.
THEM referring to Joanne Leung, KahKah, Rebecca and Jiajing.
so we waited. and waited. and waited.
and oh super, we kept assuming they were reaching liao.
so me, seychee and sharon were very frustrated luh.
So i wanted to scare seychee.
so i said
"Hehe, Kahkah's coming back in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1........ I SEE KAHKAH!"
oyea, kahkah REALLY did come back at that time when i completed saying "1".
then me and sharon were like,
"jiayou seychee, your turn liao!!!"
and then joanne and rebecca appeared behind kahkah.
it meant it was our turn -.-"
yea and we started off.

now, for the 10.5km run in the unforgotten forest.
as u can see(or maybe not), we ran 10.5km trail for friday's macritchie training. =D
(F.Y.I, it was at 3p.m. and F.Y.I if you don't know wad is F.Y.I, it is For Your Info.)
and i have superb pictorial memory.
and a cool sense of dumbness.
apparently i thought the "pump house" sharon and seychee mentioned.
was palm house. so i kept saying there were alot.
it turned out to be the house which was fenced.
and if u touch the fence... hehehe
"EEYOR EEYOR EEYOR EEYOR (wadever, continue it on your own)"
and i was practising my ability to 飘.
cus there were roots of trees(rough and hard) on the trail.
so we were to slow down and go past this obstacle course.
well, i didn't slow down(it wasn't intentional, shutup), i couldn't stop myself,
so i sped down towards the roots(suicidal yes, intellectually clever, no.)"
well, i started to jump from root to root, without falling duh.
oya and have i mentioned,
i broke my PB(F.Y.I its personal best) for jumping over two consecutive roots!!! =D
i'm so proud of myself *ehems*
and also, don't ever run 10.5km route.
it loves to tempt people to death by showing us water fountains.
and if u ever feel thirsty throughout the run,
feel free to drink from the reservoir. =D
you just won't feel as healthy as before.
oyea. twisted ankle when coming back.
it's a little swollen now. but heck care.

*I shall continue now*

ok, now it's time for...
HOW NOT TO RUN WRONG DIRECTIONS IN A FOREST ROUTE.

ok firstly. this will be short.
because it's easy to learn,
but it'll be tiring to do so in the forest.
=D
you need great pictorial memory.
like me, so u can remember where to run.
What if you don't have it?
it referring to a good pictorial memory.
Its alright REALLY. -.-"
all u have to do,
is to follow the instructions below.
1. Run with your instincts awake.
2. turn at any left-right junction(AKA T-junction)
3. If your instincts tell you left, turn left, if not turn right.
4. If you return to the same place look from instruction number 2 again.
5. remember, you benefit from these. because u run a longer distance. (:

NOW. the real nicenice part.
10 WAYS TO DEMORALISE A MARATHON RUNNER.

1. easy, just tell the runner running past you, "WOAH, 42km? not bad. i just ran 2km, and i'm gonna buy coke or 100 plus later. see you. have a nice time wasting time~!"

2. tell the runner passing you about your family sleeping. tell them they usually sleep until 12, and then say:" marathons are nice, haha, happy running~! i'm going home to sleep!"

3. get a can of cold soft drink ready, and when the runner passes you, comment on how sweet and cooling the drink is. (=

4. comment on the advertisement on food at the bus-stop when the runner passes you.
5. pretend to be running, follow the runner, and pretend to stop halfway and say " YAY~! I'VE COMPLETED MY RACE~ HAPPY RUNNING MAN!"

6. say this when the runner passes u "woah, 42km is a long long way to go. its a good thing i've completed my 3.6km race!"

7.say this when the runner passes u " hey, i heard valerie's friend fainted and passed away during a marathon run. poor thing isn't she? Marathon runners are risking their lives. tsktsk..."

8.say this when the runner passes u " hey, i'm going home to bathe and refresh myself with a treat in a fancy restaurant. have fun running~ i'll be thinking of you while u run!"

9. show the runner your water bottles filled with cold drinks with droplets on the outer surface.

10(and final~). shout this with sarcasism when the runner passes you, "HEY DUDE, UR GONNA FINISH THE RUN SOON! FASTER! HEREHERE." when the runner passes you and slows down, say this. " aww.... i miscalculated. you have 3 more 10.5km to go... jiayou! i'll be rooting for you in my air-con room with my cold drinks and fried food. =D

THERE. completed. =D copy them down and paste in your blogs. ~~just add a space line in the middle of all the numbers.~~=D

there seychee, i've completed it. ~~i shall add a spaceline now. =D~~

2008-06-05T21:03:00.002+08:00

oh, man. i feel so tired.
as in, mentally.
i wish a car would run me down now.
i'm so tired of this world.
it's really time i kept quiet and change myself...

Imagine...

If i had been alot less playful in primary 4.
I could have made it to 5-2 or 5-1.
I could have pulled my science high high.
i wouldn't have caused so much trouble.
i wouldn't have made so many mistakes.
i wouldn't have missed out on so many things...
so many things that would have made me a better person.
that would play a part in maturing me.
what can i do?

Imagine...

If i had been alot more conscious of my actions in primary 5.
I could have avoided insulting chinese teacher,
and to think i was proud of that.
It just boosted my morality for a moment,
then brought me back down to a wimp.
i know i did better to go to 6-2,
it wasn't all my effort.
it was mostly thanks to Mrs Tan and her scoldings.
It really made me a better person.
I wouldn't have known carrots, friends, RV
if it wasn't for her. Thanks... for everything. (:

Imagine...
If i was more mature in primary 6.
I wouldn't have argued with chinese teacher.
i wouldn't have to trouble ms loh so much
ms loh wouldn't have to spend time to talk to me.
I know i was from 5-3.
I wasn't up to everyone's standard yet.
thanks to ms loh's encouragement,
i did it.
it wasn't me again, it was ms loh.
And if she didn't talk me back into reality,
i could have failed chinese for PSLE.
----------------------------------------
i owe so much to all my teachers, i haven't really said so before.
If you're a junior in primary 6 about to graduate.
learn to treasure.
It will be different in 2009.
You won't get to see your friends and teachers everyday like before.
There's not only weekly or monthly gap.
It's going to be half a year, years, or so on.
Have you thanked your teachers and friends,
thank them for what they did for you?
How much they have changed you over the years?
you better do so soon,
time is almost running out,
it's a race now, but you've still got 5 more months to say out what you need to.
even if you think you aren't doing any good now,
you would be worst if you hadn't met your peers, teachers.
You could be suspended,
caned,
boys/girls home?
Really, and,
if you haven't been giving teacher's day gifts over 6 years.
it's alright really.
I was that way too,
until i knew how to treasure.
well, i did gave gifts to pri 4,5 and 6 teacher.
and hell, were they so much surprised. XD
It'll make you lighter trust me.
----------------------------------------
Back again,
i'm feeling bored.
I've ran out of ideas.
what can i do?
sleep the day away.
i only have homework to pass time.
and time runs even slower when ur doing homework. -.-"

Something is still missing from me.
I'm losing confidence.
i don't know what to do really.
everything is so dark nowadays.
so dull, so meaningless...

I feel like emo-ing.
i realised it's normal to emo.
so yea. stare at computer screen all day,
i'm tired of all these.
i'm waiting for school to reopen.
i want a new timetable.
a timetable that has P.E that clashes,
clashes with the carrots,
some close friends.
someone i know,
or haven't seen in action during P.E
faster come out bloddy timetable...
I'm bored and i want to study you...

setting off.

disappeared,
all disappeared.
all that i really had before.
they've just vanished.
just run me down.
i can't stand all these anymore...

2008-06-04T13:17:00.003+08:00

53 more boring posts. =D
i want a 100 posts.
almost impossible though.
support me pls.
give me encouragement by tagging,
so i won't go dead on this blog again.
but definitely a hiatus during exam periods.
i have to work real hard to get my gpa 3 for EOYs.

2008-06-04T13:17:00.001+08:00

You Have Your Emotions in Check

You are an incredibly stable and happy person.

Ever consider being a therapist?

You have figured out how to keep a positive outlook, no matter what.

You don't have an easier life than anyone else. You just have figured things out a little more.

Can You Keep Your Emotions in Check?

2008-06-04T13:08:00.001+08:00

Your Birthdate: December 23

You're not good at any one thing, and that's the problem.

You're good at so much - you never know what to do.

Change is in your blood, and you don't stick to much for long.

You are destined for a life of travel and fun.

Your strength: Your likeability

Your weakness: You never feel satisfied

Your power color: Bright yellow

Your power symbol: Asterisk

Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

2008-06-04T13:07:00.001+08:00

Your True Birth Month Is December

Logical

Patriotic

Ambitious

Not egoistic

Loves praise

Loves to joke

Fun to be with

Not pretending

Loves attention

Short tempered

Hates restrictions

Loves to socialize

Loves to be loved

Loyal and generous

Impatient and hasty

Changing personality

Good sense of humor

Honest and trustworthy

Influential in organizations

Takes high pride in oneself

Active in games and interactions

What's Your True Birth Month?

2008-06-03T20:56:00.002+08:00

"Step by step. I can't see any other way of accomplishing anything."

I always had the ultimate goal of being the best, but I approached everything step by step. That's why i wasn't afraid to go to the University of North Carolina after high school.

Everyone told me I shouldn't go because I wouldn't be able to play at that level. They said I should go to the Air Force Academy because then I would have a job when I finished college. Everyone had a different agenda for me. But I had my own.

I had always set short-term goals. As I look back, each one of those steps or successes led to the next one. When I got cut from the varsity team as a sophomore in high school, I learned something.

I knew i never wanted to feel that bad again. I never wanted to have that taste in my mouth, that hole in my stomach.

So I set a goal of becoming a starter on the varsity. That's what I focused on all summer. When I worked on my game, that's what I thought about. When it happened, i set another goal, a reasonable, manageble goal that I could realistically achieve if I work hard enough.

Each time I visualized where I wanted to be, what kind of player I wanted to become.

I guess I approached it with the end in mind. I knew exactly where I wanted to go, and I focused on getting there. As I reached those goals, they built on one another. I gained a little confidence every time I came through.

So I had built up the confidence that I could compete at North Carolina. It was all mental for me. I never wrote anything down. I just concentrated on the next step.

I think I could have applied that approach to anything I might have chosen to do. It's no different from the person whose ultimate goal is to become a doctor. If that's your goal and you're getting Cs in biology then the first thing you have to do is to get Bs in biology and then As. You have to perfect the first step and then move on to chemistry or physics.

Take those small steps. Otherwise you're opening yourself up to all kinds of frustration. Where would your confidence come from if the only measure of success was becoming a doctor? If you tried as hard as you could and didn't become a doctor, would that mean your whole life was a failure? Of course not.

All those steps are like pieces of a puzzle. They all come together to form a picture.

If it's complete, then you've reached your goal. If not, don't get down on yourself.

If you've done yourbest, then you will have had some accomplishments along the way. Not everyone is going to get the entire picture. Not everyone is going to be the greatest salesman or the greatest basketball player. But you can still be considered one of the best, and you can still be considered a success.

That's why I've always set short-term goals. Whether it's gold, basketball, business, family life, or even baseball, I set goals - and I focus on them. I ask questions, I read, I listen. I did the same thing in baseball with the Chicago White Sox. I'm not afraid to ask anybody anything if I don't know. Why should I be afraid? I'm trying to get somewhere. Help me, give me direction. Nothing wrong with that.

Step by step, I can't see any other way of accomplishing anything.

Pass this on to fellow athletes, or those who think need motivation.
Copy and paste on your blog. =D
It makes you feel great if you have done one great thing,
by motivating others like how others motivate you.
change the yellow colour if yellow doesn't suit your blogskin.
these red words too.
P.S I typed out everything on my own. not copy paste.
they were from mr quek's booklet.
and i feel it is necessary to let others hear of it too. :D

2008-06-03T20:45:00.003+08:00

This is sooo boring.
blogging is the only thing i can think of to kill boredom. -.-"
Well, apparently i've been cubing.
the only problem is
i spend more time scrambling the cube
than solving it.
and my parents say i'm an idiot to cube.

Well, i think cubing is quite purposeful.
It shows that
no matter how scrambled it is,
you can solve it by trying.
There's a strong bond with this and life.
No matter how confusing or scrambled your life it,
pick yourself up,
try and never give up.
things will be solved in no time.

......
today was a bad day.
mr quek talked to me about my attitude towards training-.-"
well, i overslept yea on sat and nv attend.
and i'm definitely lagging behind.
he thinks i did badly for napfa.
he doesn't really know what happened. -.-"
Well, apparently,
i thought the 2.4km run was fake,
when it took place during P.E.
So i somehow slacked -.-"
hey, and my 5 items were ok wad.
i bet all he looked at was my 2.4km run...

NvM

SWIMMING ON THURSDAY!!!
i'm soo gonna drown with seychee in the big pool.
i'm still stuttering when i say
bbb...iiggg pp..pp.pooo...lll
._. well anyways, swimming is definitely much nicer than training.
andand,
friday there's training for the 10.5km route.
for sunday.
and this is
10.5km FYI.
but the carrots can do it.
its teamwork.
"Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships"
great quote by Michael Jordan.
I'm starting to be his new fan.

Well, kudos to mr quek for giving us a booklet on Michael Jordan.
I'll post chapter by chapter.
meanwhile,
i shall copy paste a quiz from quiz tagger clementine. =.="
i shan't tag back this time,
cus she'll probably put the same answers,
and tag all 11 people with my name. -.-"
smartie, i didn't even think of that. =P
nvm, the Michael Jordan part is nicer.
so i shall type out the first page
and think of answers to the quiz. =D

you really have to read it carefully,
pay full attention to his great ideas.
They really are motivating
and meaningful,
especially if you're an athlete.
(:

2008-06-02T22:07:00.002+08:00

I wield this sword,
to fight your troubles,
to secure you.
because, you are
my friend.

Boring...
I just need this touch of brightness in my life.
*sighhh*
There's training tomorrow and i'm having a fever.
Even god is against me today.
How much more bored can i feel. -.-"
Wonder if Chang's back.
There's this "book" review i have to do for Mr Quek,
i don't know, i have so many thoughts,
i can't dig them out to write -.-"

i don't know,
i'm feeling down...
Its like nothing is making me laugh today.
Something's missing,
i don't know what it is.
But it's disappearance is making my life dull.

Well, i woke up with my back feeling so much ache.
Then i just slacked about, blog leap.
Nothing else to do.
Then i lie on bed daydream luh.
When i went back to reality,
my whole body was feeling painn and ache.
So i pressed my hand on my forehead,
neck, back neck.
Yea, and i burnt myself.
I wass HOT. ):
But the temperature turned out fine,
just a mere 37.9 .
nothing big,
not 40 or 39.
But took panadol,
it does miracles.

training tomorrow,
i will do my best,
our goal is nationals champ,
and i believe the potential is in us.
Carrots JIAYOU!

i still feel down la.
like nothing interesting anymore.
i'll be damn quiet tomorrow.
don't feel awkward or what,
just let me be okies? D:

life is boring if i don't go school,
but when i see the 1e twerps,
everything falls onto me.
i feel so heavy, i just can't lift up the weight.
I don't know what has been keeping me going
through this half year.
but thanks for the support,
laogongs,
carrots.
snrs. =D
I really don't know what would happen without you guys in my life.
Its like, you all are my main support in RV.
I really can't do without all of you.
thanks. for everything.

2008-05-31T23:18:00.003+08:00

Somehow 1E's got me repelled.
It's like, everytime the girls try to organise outings
they just don't care, can't be bothered.
I don't know how hard it is to just give your attention for 5 mins.
Or maybe, just shut your trap.
all these has me thinking,
are we really one class?

People claim it takes time to get close to your class,
it's been 5 months, yet i don't feel a thing.
The teachers, seniors, PSLs,
they've all done their part to bond us,
and hello,
they ain't part of this class fyi.
We haven't even done anything for the class,
not a single thing.
I can't say its all on the boys,
MOSTLY yes,
but some girls, they have this problems shoved up their minds.
they can't seem to let others talk for once,
and give positive comments.

Like, someone.
the teacher just has to wear his or her favourite tee
and she has to complain because of his or her taste.
WHATS THE PROBLEM WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S DECISIONS?
is it that hard to show some respect?
SEE THAT TEACHER SO NO TASTE,
ALWAYS WEAR SAME DESIGN.
THEN SHE RAISE HER ARM HER BODY CAN SEE.
ya SO WHAT? it's HER decision, not ours.
she's your teacher, she teaches you.
she controls her temper,
she lets us be when we go completely out of control,
yet you have to critizise her.
Wake up bitch, its not all about your favour.

1E, don't make me feel so uncomfortable,
i feel so...
It's so hard to explain.
It's hard to get along with almost all of you.
I know some may hate me for posting this,
i mean.
I know the class isn't all about ME.
but, even if you make the world hate me,
i wouldn't want to see an unbonded class,
i just want everyone to be happy?
Is that too much to ask for?
all we have to do is to just give in once in a while,
everything will be FINE after that.
all we have to do is to put in a little effort,
and everyone can be happy.

If nothing really changes,
i think i may regret my two years in RV.
Not everything's about having fun,
we have to work together at times,
GROUP work.
Yet we have to be so picky at the roles we play.
SO WHAT if you're a leader of a group.
If you can't sacrifice just a little for the members,
you're just as useless as a piece of rotten apple skin.

And why, you think sentosa's too small of a place for an outing.
FINE, why don't you just join your family for a trip at USA.
i'm not referring to anyone. i'm just giving examples.
You know the thing that really keeps me going in RV,
amazingly isn't 1E.
It's the CARROTS.
We can't even work together as a team during a small game of Captain's ball.
ask the carrots,
during nationals,
if they ever injure themselves halfway through the distance,
will they just give up and leave it to the rest of the team?
NO. they don't, they continue,
they make sure they finish the race.
Thats what really matters,
its not the outcome,
its the process that makes us learn.

At least they know,
at anytime if they look back,
they'll know they haven't let the team down,
they completed the race,
put in their best.
Whereas,
like Mr Keith said,
we can't even play like a TEAM.
Do you even know what a TEAM means?
Its hidden meaning is actually.
Looking out for each other,
doing things for each other,
sacrificing for each other.
winning for each other.
ENCOURAGING each other and
giving in to each other.
That isn't all.
There's still more, but it's a little more obvious now.
So if you can't see it, your life is meaningless.

I have experience.
4 people in a team.
3 girls 1 boy.
That boy, is called sacrificing.
We play and halfway through,
someone said she injured her finger.
I don't mean you can't injured your finger and rest.
but,
there's just a mere minute to go till the end of the match
and that one point.
they can't sacrifice. bear with the bloody pain.
Then she just stands out there, look at us play.
fine, 3 people left, 1 as goalkeeper.
2 people playing.
THEN, another girl just leaves the field with no notice.
and guess what,
she stands at the outer field watching happily like nothing ever happened.
and u know what?
there's 2 more left on the field,
one as goalkeeper,
so there's only one against 3 on the field fighting for the ball.
I was the one left on the field.
FINE, i accept it, i played on.
even so, both of us kept a positive goal,
score at least something?
or keep on playing till the end.
And guess what, we even managed to score.
we lost, the outer 2 didn't even know we won or lost.
And during the break i suggested getting a strategy or sth,
they said no hope.
FINE, i shan't talk about this.
It makes me mad, and disappointed.
--------------
But somehow i have to learn to treasure.
when i was watching channel 8,
i saw the sichuan charity show ad,
there was a quote,
*translated*
Darling, please come back to me,
please be safe because i will be waiting for you.
---------------
it really made me realise,
we've never been truely treasuring those around us.
those that care for us,
what did we do in return?
"i'm fine, myob la."
It's not until we've lost then did we treasure.
My grandmother passed away when i was just 7~8
i didn't realise she really meant so much to me.
no, i don't want to talk about it now.
---------------
never mind.
i'm alright,
people do emo.
And this is my 1 in 100 chance of emo-ing.
yea and its not really emo,
just other refelctions.
and they're unhappy ones unfortunately...
i'm having mixed emotions now..
=( (= oh whatever..

2008-05-30T23:17:00.003+08:00

Heh. today was WEIRD.
some malay stranger found wanxin's phone.
he called lydia, got my number and called me.
then we discussed where to collect the phone.
I said JE, he said too far.
He said Bedok, i said too far.
Then he asked for my age,
address,
and PI(personal info.)
I stupidly told him,
but i tricked him i stayed at CCK.
Then he suddenly said.
"You wan phone back.
then you have to do me a favour luh.
you haf to *fught* with me"
well, the*fught* i din know what was it.
so i thought fight.
I said "FIGHT YOU? HAH?"
then he said" no, you have to FUCK WITH ME"
Then i was so damn shocked luh.
i said are you crazy?
then he say if i don do it
wanxin won get back fone.
then i left the phone on with him
He put down, then called again.
i pressed busy button/
he called lydia.
i told wanxin tell parents call police ler.
but i bet they won't, up to dem luh.
-------------------------
Met joanne, venus at JE mrt platform.
Yueyin went to JRL,
we wait for HER. :X
Only her XD but it was ok,
she said she found chingxing.
and i thought chingxing was coming,
cus joanne said she was.
LOL, scare me, i dun mean she's scary la,
i scared she feel out. or me and joanne feel out.
since babi(s) and she was from 2K.
--------------------------
Went to SCHOOL,
i'm missing school already.
dunno why, not bcus of 1e.
I completely have no feelings to that class,
its just a group i study with.
nothing more impt than carrots.
But joanne said i'll feel closer to 1e soon.
--------------------------
andand, joanne scared me by saying
we can't reject teacher's nomination
as in, PSL nomination,
cus we were talking bout how stupid joanne was,
to become a PSL and volunteer to go to the cheering compt.
Then she said i had the face of one.
Then i suddenly said out mr keith teo comment
"stephanie has a lively disposition"
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
nono, don't scare myself yea?
I mean no offence,
i don't mean all PSLs are retards.
exception to joanne Chew Chi Ching. =P
*EDITED*
due to an arguement with JOANNE CHEW CHI CHING,
i hereby declare all PSLs
RETARDS. =D

2008-05-29T22:51:00.003+08:00

A. People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any questions that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

B. Tag 8 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and can tag back the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

tagged by hanee and clemm.

1. What do you think an ideal best friend should be like?
Someone i can trust, cares for me. Treats me like her crush =D

2.If you have a dream come true, what would it be?
Everyone be happy. =D

3.Who's life would you want to takeaway most?
Those who kill others with a bad intention.

4.What would you do with a billion dollars?
I believe 平凡是幸福的, i shall donate most of it to charity, leave 120k for myself.

5. Do you dig your nose?
Depends, if i'm bored or if my nose irritates.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
loving someone. I believe as long as that person is happy, so am i.

7. Can you whistle?
yeps, but i don't do it
it looks unglam (and i have braces now. :X)

9. Do you live a happy life?
Yea, i have family that loves me
friends that make my life bright
i believe that is all i need. =D

10. If the person you like secretly is already attached, what would you do?
I will feel bad, but i'll wish that person all the best. ):

11. How would you see yourself in 10 years' time?
er, learning how to drive.
finding a job. i just graduated if i get into uni
i'm 23 by that time yea?

12. Who are currently the most important people to you?
Everyone.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
hanee and clemm. =D
hanee is shyshy 1, can be crazy at times, but she is korean, and really nice
she has the touch of reds on her cheeks aye, n she loves singing!
clemm, my psl =D. she's emo at times, but she can be crazy if she wants.
oh and, i heard she made the peanut thingy, so she shud have a touch of music. =D

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
Can i be married and be financially average?

15. What's the first thing you do when you wake up?
yawn, look at the time, and perhaps go back to sleep =D

16. What does your favourite kind of shampoo smells like?
i dun have favourite shampoo. my mom helps me choose. =D

17. How would you rate the perfection of you life now?
99% perfect. i have people who i love and love me.
I just have that touch of hatred in me. ):

18. What type of people do you hate?
heartless freaks.
especially those who don't feel sympathy towards the sichuan victims. >.<

People to do the quiz!(you can tag back!)
1. Chang Ming
2. nanalaogong
3. Joanne Chew catdog
4. Sharon
5. Wan Xin
6. Hanee(do it again)
7. Clemm(since ur so bored =D)
8. Sey Chee( it took me 10mins to think of the 8th one 0.o)
-------------------------------------------
Its not that bad. at least u know what ur thinking aye.
Thanks for tagging me to do this quiz.
You may retag me again.
Cause it's fun to "SABO" others. jkjk

2008-05-29T21:17:00.002+08:00

Since asked to update. i shall :)
Ok, today. SWIMMING<3333333333333
Swam in learners' pool aye.
andand, found out why swimmers don't drink too much water!
They drink in the water from the pool!!!
andand, coach was like,
"rotate your head to breathe steph"
"orh okay. i try one time"
*swims one lap*
"WOAH, WHY LIKE THAT ONE,
COACH I BREATHED IN SOMETHING FUNNY! HOW ARH?"
wakakaka, then coach just stared at me stupidly
"WATER LA. swimming is like that one,
you spend your time in water you sure breathe in abit 1"
-----------------------
Woahwoah, he scared the hell outafme.
Then when i mastered somewhat of freestyle
i went laps with Venus!!! BABI RIGHT? !!!! =DDDDD
she was FUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we started swimming the 8th or 9th lap tgt
read on...
----------------------
me : ready? one, two three. GO
*both of us starts swimming*
*POK*
seychee : sorry sorry!
me: sorry!!!!
*i turn me head behind*
me : WHAT THE? WHY U STILL THERE?
Venus: i started wronglyyyy!!!
-----------------------
Its hard to see the funniness in this scene by just reading. XD
Anyways, we continued luh. I started with the float yea?
andand, i did 水上飘.
andand, Venus learnt how to disrupt it.
i placed a small lil' float on my stomach below,
then i started swimming.
Then coach started praising me for not sinking.
XD So i kept quiet. If not he'll kill me for cheating.
andand, SEY CHEE WAS PRO.
she looked so relaxed when she swam freestyle.
I looked like a retard trying to keep myself afloat
by doing stupid flappers with my arms.
And i felt like a fish,
i breathe in WATER.
yea and it was really 自卑swimming beside her.
every breath i took there was bound to be water =P
But it was great to have company like BABI!!
THEN CAME THE EXCITING PART!!!
WATER SWIMMING <33333333333333
tiring but FUN although only 5 mins?
We were supposed to run in water
but it turned out like a drama.
It went like this luh.
u're supposed to have 90 degrees arm posture,
then knee lifts and push your leg down straight,
try to stay afloat, i'm not sure if you're supposed to move though.
Then this was what happened：
it happened to me and sey chee luhs.
So start laughing after reading this.
We went to 1.8m part
we jumped away from platform
we started "running"
and while we ran our head went lower
lower
lower
lower
gone.
LOL LOL LOL LOL L-MAO ROFL
andand, i'm getting darker.
YAY? no maybe not yay, just a little yay yea?
-----------------------------------
And i just thought it over.
feeling mentally hurt isn't good.
It is a long term pain that haunts us
i realised i'd rather have a broken ARM (no not leg)
at least i feel pain at one point only
not long term pain
Yea, so just want to tell me PSL, CLEMENTINE
don't keep feeling down yea?
it isn't good to emo all the time.
Try to feel happy yea?
i know ur feeling better now.
Keep it up, it's better this way. =D

2008-05-23T10:46:00.004+08:00

This is going to be a long post. so read it if you want. If you don't, just leave a tag. =D
----------------------------------
In my 13 years(or maybe 12) of life, there are a few people who made it a big difference.
I have let them down, and they have helped me in many ways. This post is dedicated to them.
(:
------------------------------------------
1. CHANG MING

SORRY
for sometimes making you angry. I couldn't help you when you were having your moodswings, sometimes i played a part in it i think. I think i may have insulted you unknowingly before, so if i did, sorry sorry sorry. Pls forgib me.

THANK YOU
for encouraging me all the time when i had no confidence in myself, esp during the 8km runs where i would have mental blocks. for scolding me when i was doing stupid things which made me look totally stupid and pathetic. =P I haven't regret the day i became friends with you.
You will always be my BEST FRIEND FOREVER.
----------------------------------------
2. ISABELLE

SORRY
The same thing, i sometimes unknowingly hurt you or insult you. Sorry, i realised you were a part in maturing me. and perhaps sometimes this year, we argue over our schools. I didn't realise that till now. I just want to tell you, in my eyes, all schools are equal no matter elite or not(i believe RV isn't elite anyways).

THANK YOU
for being with me no matter what happened. Esp, last year, the totally intense period. You encouraged me when i felt that all hope was lost. also in 2006, end of years results were sucky for me, but being with you made me forget all my troubles,
I wish you the best in your current school, jiayous, you will always be my BEST FRIEND FOREVER too!!!
----------------------------------------
3. FANN

SORRY
I always did stupid things beside you, haha, and maybe it somehow made you feel stupid yea? I miss the times you always "bullied" me XD. Malacca was a nicenice trip because i got to be in the same room as you! HAHA, everyone said i influence you to become so rebellous ehh. Paiseh for that, haha.

THANK YOU
for making me life so happy. You were CRAZYYY in all ways yea? You just stood at our sides laughing when we talked. and haha, we did go out tgt sometimes didn't we?
You always have the WHATEVER attitude, which is soo cool to me XD.
Jiayous in your new school, you will always be my BEST FRIEND FOREVER too!
---------------------------------------
4. CARROTS!<3333

SORRY
for not always doing my best in races. I always let the team down all the time.
I haven't been trying my best to win, i've been setting my goals too low...
I know i have to try my best for the team, because i've been letting all of you down.

THANK YOU
for encouraging me when i'm about to complete 8km. for brightening up my day all the time.
You've all thought me many valuable lessons on life. I can't go anywhere just by myself, i need the team to push me forward, to progress. for not killing me when i've let the team down, instead kept telling me i could do it no matter what. You are the major group in RV for me. Its not the class that's for me, its the carrots.
Kah Kah
Joanne Leung
Joanne Chew
Kelly
Babi Yueyin
Babi Venus
MeiHui
Yee Ching
Sharon
Wan Xin
Lydia
Chang Ming
Yuning
--------------------------------------------
5. LYDIA

SORRY
for neglecting you, Rufy and Nana laogong. I just realised that thanks to Chi Ching who pointed that out to me. So i'm making an individual one for you. Sorry for always pang sehing you by accident to talk to my friends, and turn up losing you. SORRYSORRYSORRY!!#$$%

THANK YOU
for being my lao gong and cheering me up so often. You're the closest friend i've made in RV since the start of this year. for helping me be friends with so many of your friends. =D
You always encourage me too, and you're my greatest support in RV.
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!!!!!!!!
--------------------------------------------
6. PSLs

SORRY
for neglecting your efforts to bond the class together. I don't know, i just feel closer to my CCA.
for always ignoring all of you, i just don't know anything to say to you GIRLS.
for not being as "high" as you peeps during orientation cheerings, i just don't feel the need to cheer for my "class" then.
for not staying back with you peeps for PSS on Wednesdays, i have piano lessons...

THANK YOU
for being with us throughout orientation period where we didn't even know each other and the school. for always staying back with us for PSS although some of you don't always stay back, its the same for us, not all of us stay back. for guiding us through the first half of the year without any complains, at least, not infront of us. =D for going through the uncomfortable 2 day camp with us with least sleep i heard. I have a feeling we've became a trouble for all of you.
for staying back with us even when it was near examination season.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Thats the end i guess. It didn't turn out as long as i thought at first yea?
I hope the people listed read what i read.
If didn't, its ok, you may feel angry after reading these i guess...
I know i didn't list out all the sorries, but i couldn't thought of them.
Just read through.
(=

2008-05-17T22:07:00.003+08:00

Heyhey peeps, link RVCarrots(X-Country peeps) C-Div'08 girls blog at
http://rvxc-c-div08.blogspot.com/!
---------------------
Lets just talk bout todae. =D
8km run in macritchie.
I think i wasn't going my best like coach said.
I felt so damn comfortable after i finished the run.
Coach immediately talked to me after the run,
so i forgot to stop the timing. =P
Andand, he said me look comfortable after 8km run
and having relaxed breaths
means two things...
1) I have greater potential to go even faster
2) I'm physically fit, it's my mental condition that's restricting me...
-----------------
I kept telling myself i could do it, i have to keep on running.
That was before the run...
During the run, i kept thinking,
what was i doing running 8km?
When i could play ball games,
stay at home on saturdays.
Yea, but i told myself,
all i am doing isn't for my own good purpose,
it's for the team.
The team that encourages me throughout,
the team that sticks with me through thick and thin.
----------------------
When i was finishing the run, the last stretch part.
Those who finished kept cheering me on.
It was moral support, i could feel it all.
They gave me confidence.
They make my day.
I have to talk and see them at least once everyday.
It's hard to get by without them, especially on Sundays...
I keep staring at their photos
Shall cont. tmr. >.<
*EDITED*
Yea, now to continue!
Carrots all the way!
We can do it on Wednesday, yes we can.
All we have to do is to believe in ourselves.
And whenever we overtake,
lets clap for the person,
because winning isn't everything,
it's the joy of seeing your teammates or peers finish the race.
Mr Quek's book was encouraging.
I love michael jordan's quote:
I can accept failure. Everyone fails at something. But i can't accept not trying.
We may have failed many times in our lives,
but we all have to know,
we tried our best,
although we did not win anything,
we learnt new knowledge, and improved our characters.
Ask the current world record holders,
they've all failed before,
and it was from the point where they failed,
did they pick themselves up and work harder towards their goal.
So yea, if you don't have the book,
and maybe want to enlighten yourselves,
you can come to the floor where 1e lies at.
Or wait at the piano on tuesdays and thursdays.
Or automatically come find me around the piano area in the canteen
on tues and thurs. =D
I'm willing to lend you,
as long as it does you good. =D

2008-05-10T10:10:00.003+08:00

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why I'm lyin' here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
the night goes on
as I'm fadin' away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

Everybody's screamin'
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slippin' off the edge
I'm hangin' by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
the night goes on
As I'm fadin' away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
the night goes on
as I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

I'm sick of it,
why did it happen?
i've already made so many mistakes...

2008-05-05T19:38:00.002+08:00

The race on 3rd May rocked my socks off.
I did verly badly, so we dropped down a position T_T
But never mind, i believe in what the process brings to me.
Teamwork! RVcarrots rule no matter what the results are.
----------------------------------
The race on 3rd May:
Told Sharon Wanxin and Joanne to meet at JE interchange at 12.50p.m, as usual i reached at 1p.m.
Pro eh?
Then we wasted 40 mins walking about at macritchie and blindly following coach.
When he said to put our bags in his car instead.
Then the relay(RELAY) started! 4x3km!
Cool right? I know you're jealous~
I did really badly, because at the slope, my hind leg kicked a rock,
and my front leg stepped on it,
and i sort of "twisted" my ankle.
But it didn't swell, because it was just an old injury.
MGS girls are uber nice!
-============================
SHARON, I HATE YOU.
YOU OWE ME THE KETTLE JUG.
THE RICE COOKER.
CHOOSE ONE, OR I SHALL KILL YOU.
HOW COULD YOU WIN TWICE IN THE LUCKY DRAW?
T_T
I DIDN'T EVEN WIN ONCE?!
-------------------------------------------
Ok, dun talk about the race anymore.
The results shall be disclosed as a surprise for you all.
-------------------------------------------
I don't know why la, i recently keep emo-ing.
And i don't like it. I really don't like it lor.
I just sit on the bus and stare out of the window all the way back home.
You know how boring that is right?
Then i keep thinking of looking at other places,
but my head stays at the same place.
I HAVE NEVER EMO-ED SO MUCH BEFORE.
-------------------------------------------
am currently les-ing with Chang with old-fashioned communication
EMAIL! ahhh, the rewards of modern tech! =D
-------------------------------------------
I'm sooo gonna slack for RV-cross country, so Gryphon will win,
and so Mino will lose. =D
Because i don't like MINO,
I WANT GRYPHON !!!!!!!!! <3333333333333333
=DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Gryphon gets LT1(air-coned) for house meeting can?
And MINO pathetically gets CANTEEN.
And all my nice nice seniors are in gryphon.
I don't mean Kah Kah and Kelly isn't nice
MORE nice seniors are in gryphon can?
--------------------------------------------
TAGG ME LEHHH, I'M BLOGGING BUT NO ONE BOTHERS TO KEEP MY TAGBOARD ALIVE.
I FEEL THAT I'M BLOGGING TO IDIOTS?
OR TO THE NON-LIVING THING, WALL?

2008-05-01T20:39:00.003+08:00

I suddenly did some reflective thinking just now.
I was just thinking, what's the cycle involving HATE?
It should be, disagreements->conflicts->insults->HATRED
Well, for dissgreements to start, you have to be friends with the person first.
Then it leads to conflicts, problems with decisions.
Insults, how LOUSY the person makes choices.
isn't it all obvious now?
But, no matter how big the problem is, we were once friends.
The feelings will be there.
--------
Have you ever been sandwiched between to friends who are fighting?
Making choices you never expected or wanted to make?
The feeling is terrible.
I know, because i've been through it.
--------
There's one thing school can't teach us.
FRIENDSHIP
Nobody in this world will ever know how strong the effects of this word is.
Let me tell you my story on the first problem(HATRED)(REAL):
--
It happened last year, i was sitting between two of my closer friends.
It really helped my chinese improve, because, er, the both of them would tell me to pay attention if i don't.
Then it came, two boys were talking all the time, and sometimes quarreled.
I was an innocent bystander.
Or maybe you can say, VICTIM.
My teacher(Chinese) had a talk with both of them.
Then she came into the class and said to me(translated):
I want you to change place with that boy.
---------
FINE, i changed my place, after a few arguments. My grades started deproving afterwards. I used to have a positive attitude towards chinese. It changed after all these. I became rebellious, i never expected what i was about to think. I slacked at all the worksheets and homework my teacher gave, i practically failed everyone of it. The way i looked at my teacher was so different now. Then i losed it. I gave up controlling my temper. I went back to my original placing, then the teacher called to talk to me. It happened in primary 5, i argued with my chinese teacher too, so i kept quiet. But the way she was explaining, i couldn't stand it. I controlled till i reached the limit, i cried. She asked me what happened, i looked away. In my 6 years of primary school, i've never cried before, not even when i was scolded for the first time in primary 1. The madness in my heart was burning me. I couldn't stand her, so i walked out. I sat outside the hall, i was crying. Alot of my friends comforted me(thank you), i looked at them, they had a shock. The way my eyes expressed hatred was unimaginable. I wasn't a person who hated, in my friends eyes, i was simply a happy-go-lucky person, they were afraid i would shout at them. So i buried myself between my knees again. Then after recess, it was still chinese, there was compo. I crushed the picture for my compo, and tore it. My teacher didn't scold me, she just kept quiet, what i thought was a wise thing to do, i couldn't take anymore setbacks.
----------------
I had small counselling sessions with Ms Loh(form teacher). I guess it really made me calm down, but i was still ignoring my chinese teacher. There's one sentence that really make me think. "Don't let what you hate, make your subjects drop." It isn't really accurate to what ms loh said to me, but the meaning was about the same. I remember, or i think, ms loh once said i was different from most of other girls. I was a really straightforward kind, whatever i want to do, i do it. While the other girls just act their girly ways. Ms Loh was different from other teachers(at least to me), she didn't scold me, she talked to me. She treated me like i was her friend, the way i wanted all teachers to be like. My chinese dropped from regular As to regular Bs. Then subject head of Chinese talked to me. It was the 2nd time, counting primary 5's experience. She said she wanted me to give the teacher a chance. I agreed.
I shan't continue, it was a really bad memory i don't want to think of again.
----
Well, actually, something that can't be found in the story.
I learnt to forgive and forget. Let bad pasts go, start all over again.
Because once you regret something, it may be too late.
Let it go...
----
thank you teachers and friends, you made the 6 years in SAPS an unforgettable experience.
time may past, but the memories of all of you will never be forgot.

2008-04-27T11:58:00.002+08:00

I suddenly thought of our 4x100m B-Girls 2007.
It was the best team any athlete could have.
It was made of REAL friendships, and filled with sportsmanship.
We NEVER gave up.
Not till the end.
Not even at the end.
Because it was the process that mattered most to us.
Fate brought us together.
Hearts as one.
We won together, and lose together as well.
Winning wasn't everything to us.
We did felt disappointed when we lost,
but a sense of team spirit was there
a team spirit no other team could feel.
Because on Earth,
there is only a team made of us,
1st Runner: Stephanie(Me)
2nd Runner: Rabitah!! (YISS)
3rd Runner: Issy!! (Isabelle, CHIJ STC)
4th Runner: Chang!! (Chang Ming, RVHS)-
---------
This post is dedicated to this team.
The team that went through thick and thin TOGETHER.
Although separated,
The spirit still lies somewhere deep in our HEARTS.
4x100m B-Girls'07,
When we rock,
NOBODY rule.

2008-04-25T22:28:00.002+08:00

YO! i'm back luh. Its just a hiatus of 3 days and i still think my blog is dead. At least, the tagboard is -.-"
-----------------------------
Today was SUPERPRRPRPRPR==HIGHHHHh!!!!!!!!!!!1
NAPFA 5 items with C-Girls cross-country team.
I aced it all, but i shan't say what i did.
Well, before that, KahKah knew only how to shout about her inclined pull-ups, but she did ok la, i think.
I'm going to do 2.4km(AGAIN) for fun tomorrow, so i might,MIGHT slack a little teeny bit, but i'll not be last. =P At least i hope i won't be.

Went home uber later than expected, because i kept talking while doing homework in school.
ME and KellyZ has a banana changed cheer. Here we go:
Ah Lians UNITE!
Peel Ah Lians
Peel peel Ah Lians
Shake Ah Lians
Shake Shake Ah Lians
Wave Ah Lians
Wave Wave Ah Lians
---
Then i dunno liao lol.
i got one more, but i just thought of it, so we don't know it yet. Here we go!
红的蓝的青的紫的
我们Ah Lian 最好
我们Ah Lian 最好
我们什么都好！
---
I hate Minotaur. I want gryphon, all my seniors and friends there. or maybe Unicorn luh.
Gryphon is the best, because they never win in sports.
So there's not much pressure.
But in Mino,
There's Kah Kah and Kelly,
I have to pia for RV Cross-country. I wonder how long it is.
I must win all year 2s not in cross-country.
So i will train hard, to catch up with lydia and yuning's standard
I must, bring glory to RV,
I must win 1st for next year's Cross-country Nationals.
Set standards for my future RV Carrots Juniors!
Raise RV's Cross-country Reputation.
Maybe help mino win 1st for sports.
-----
I can do all these, if i really try.
I will do all these, when i really try.
I must do all these, because i WILL try.
-----
I heard there's relay for RV sports day.
I must participate in that.
I miss RELAYS, 4x100m, x200m, x400m
WHATEVER, i like all of them.
-----
I must break my Personal best of 14.8s for 100m
Break personal best of 31s for 200m.
I must reach <40mins for 8km
I MUST DO ALL THESE IN A YEAR.
-----
Recently, i have comments from seniors, maybe only one. I shan't name.
We do feel closer to our CCAs than class.
I feel that way, because maybe CCA mates have almost the same personality, or likes
as us.
-----
Wednesday was cross-country nationals.
Seniors, a job well done, on trying your best.
It was because of a competition, did we feel closer.
We make a team, because we ARE one.
If a team gets drench, they get drenched together.
That's the spirit of RV Athletics.
A spirit no one can beat.
Because we are one.
-----
We train together, we work hard, we set standards.
WE BREAK RECORDS(if we try)
-----
I used to thought running was stupid.
Whats the difference between walking and running(other than speeds)
Its the love we feel, and the bond between running,
that made us persevere, fighting to the end.
RV Athletics has really made me feel that,
Running is a part of my life, whether how well i run,
I will do my best, because winning isn't about self awarding
We win as a team, this is what cross-country taught me
-----
Mr Quek's talk was enlightening.
It really showed us how much this team meant to us,
the word “team" made us move on
It made possible the win of 3rd position.
We did this for the team
not only for ourselves.
-----
Thank you RVAthletics,
you make me feel complete
At the end of everything,
a sentence is confirmed,
RV CARROTS,

ALL THE WAY!

2008-04-22T09:12:00.002+08:00

Wonder if i can post the pictures in school. no, FROM school =P

Check my compt skills out =P. Ok. forget it, this stupid school compt does not have macromedia flashplayer 9. ):
----------------------------------
Yea u guessed it, i'm in school now. I keep wondering now, where on Earth is Mr Tan?
I'm starting to play neopets already, i want to play TYPING TERROR. yeye, show off my typing skills? No la, i suck at typing nowadays. Or maybe it's the school's compt keyboard that's sucky. Playing NEOPETS. i completed the whole typing terror game. but i thought only get100np. Turn up get 1000np. must try at home. earn lots of money, support my neopets family.

2008-04-18T23:22:00.002+08:00

I love CROSS-ing DAY!!! <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333.............................. *sigh* not enough space again.
----------------------------------------
It's all about yest. CROSS TRAINING, WAS SLACK!!! 15 mins warm up with drills, 15 farkleg, 15 cool down. strengthenings, slack, go home! The coolest part was going home luhh. Because of fate, a whole big group went home tgt. Me, Sharon, Wanxin, Lydia, Joanne, Kelly, Yueyin, Ching Wei(should be spelled this way liao la). I started hooking my shoebag on bags of us, because it reminded me of day bfr yest, dog, took my shoebag home. So i hook hook hook, until everyone started to take my shoebag and hook on random people that I DON'T EVEN KNOW. Then one of a 2I guy, tried to trick kelly and me. He asked kelly to turn around, so i said, i help u turn around see, then i turn around and said, No people there!!! Then he said i called those woman and man inhuman, so i was a racist. Then Kelly went OI. So i resist la, must retaliate. So i said, Yea, i'm a racist, i can't help it. Lol, i won!
Then we went onto the bus , 97! Camwhored on the bus, lol. I guess i took the least pictures of all. Shi bai... XD

TOOK group photo tgt at JE interchange at the sign JURONG EAST INTERCHANGE front. We(or maybe I) were like SHORT ONES IN FRONT. So i pushed joanne infront lol.But she diedie keep denying la, shi shi bai zai yan qian, hai bu chen ren. Ok, i shall post the pictures now or never.
Next time. I need to resize them first. =P Sleep, continue tmr.

2008-04-16T20:54:00.003+08:00

well, got this lame little quiz off a PSL's blog.

Your Dominant Intelligence is Bodily-Kinesthetic Intelligence

You are naturally athletic and coordinated, good at making your mind and body work together.

Sports are fun and easy for you, especially those requiring good hand - eye coordination.

There's also a good chance you're a great dancer, or good at expressing yourself through body language.

You learn best by doing, and you feel like you've always got to be moving (even if it's just your hands).

You would make a good athlete, physical education teaches, dancer, actor, firefighter, or artisan.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

hehe, i totally agree. i can't sit still la. so when i greet a teacher, i'm bouncing up and down 1. and i take a longer time to sit. and when i sit, i stand again, pretend to look blur, then sit down. And i'm in athletics!<3333333333333333333333333333333333333............
wahaha, not enough space for the loves. =D
I'll talk about yesterday more than todae.

Well, went to CCAB for cross (x) training yest. COOL MAN, mr quek totally ran with us at a nice nice pace, after which he pang seh us. Then we kept on, then me and bitch chionged at the end into the gate entrance, stupidly lar; cause we were supposed to just chiong up the slope to get our bottles. Then after we stop, we tired out, so we slowed down. =P Chang said we did 17mins. how's that for 3.4km I felt i could go faster though. just that we slack infront, chionged behind. XD.
Then it started to pour. And the other C-Girls were singing, i was diaoing them. Then we started to talk bout orientation. How I liked, and disliked it. =X
Well, i liked orientation, because it was slacked, and everyone acted(ACTED<---) normal. But i disliked it because we were forced to cheer. So i went anti-social luh.
Then when the PSLs walk past, everyone will "HI!" at them, while i just purposely look in another direction. OR when we walk past them, i'll turn my head away POLITELY, lol, because the PSLs are weird. Well, i can say, i don think i'm meant to be fated with them luh.. All of them except one not from sports. I'm not insulting them, i sometimes realy like seeing people run, i dunno why. Maybe, its in my blood, i just love running. I saw them running. I'm not gonna name, for private purposes.
One was running 2.4km, and started walking, tempting me to want to shout, RUN!! JIAYOU!
One was seen after running, with a pale face, walking up the stairs, tempting me to say, oh you poor thing, are u feeling ok?
One, ran with 1E girls during CCA trials, 800m. Pro, didn't stop at all, was first, but i want to challenge her at that time, but i pon cross trials.
One, has same P.E slot as me, so i ran past her for 2.4km. She was warming up with 2 rounds or so, ithink.
-----------------------------
Well, that beats. Well, they have one thing in common. never giving up la. Maybe that's why they're PSLs. They show great examples to us juniors. Not normal people eh, different attitudes towards life, but they still DO emo, confirm. See people character i know liao la.
Talk alot 1, don emo much. Talk vry little, emo alot. XD
-----------------------------
Today, shot rocket parachute thrice, failed out of 3 times, 3 times. =P Means i failed every try luh. XD Nevermind, PERSEVERE!! lol, must tahan! JIAYOU 1E! -.-" 1E blog link name is weird and bu hao ting de. see other class is etc, 1da best, 1fsomething la. Aya, stop for now, i need to copy paste out the 500 words bloody ass "essay" on diet and nutrition. byebye!

Kisses good bye!

2008-04-13T22:00:00.002+08:00

Ok, talk about yest, I got cut by a glass piece. WELL, what can I say. I finally know how cutting yourself feels like. A tingling sensation runs through my body. The feeling was great, i didn't feel any hurt. Well, i did, but all my concentration was placed on the injury. I guess thats why youths are harming themselves. I promise this will be the last time i say i enjoyed the feeling of cutting myself.
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Show some respect for yourselves and your bodies. If you don't, at least show some care and concern for those around you. How will those close to you feel if you harm yourself. If feeling better at an expense where others will get hurt, i'd rather not feel good. one feels good, thousands cry. Injuring yourself isn't bravery, its shameful. You can't even protect your own body, so if you are someone who cuts yourself, stop thinking that you can help everyone around you that is hurt by a painful past. STOP acting hero or whatever, because in my eyes, those that cut or injure themselves are useless. Resolving to such means is someone who doesn't believe in love and care, someone who believes in SATAN. I'm not kidding, you surrender yourself, and you lose everything around you. I despise those who suicide, hurt themselves in other ways. I also pity them, there seems to other way out, but if you think harder, why do university graduates hold degrees in social emotions? TO COUNSEL LA. So many people are willing to help, you have to pull yourself together, show EVERYONE that you are strong, you have it in you. Don't self-pity, it's useless, you self-pity? Have you ever thought that many other people in this world are living a more cruel life than you? Perhaps sitting in a corner by yourself and reflecting on your actions would help. This points out to those that hurt themselves deliberately to pull themselves away from problems.

Moral: Running away doesn't help, FACE IT. The race will never complete for you if you run away from the finishing line, run TOWARDS it. Don't be a dumbass, races are to be completed no matter what, I don't look down on those that don't get top positions in a race, or even lose to me. I look up to them, because of their courage, perseverance, and never die spirit to complete the race.
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Just a word to Sharon:
Yunyi's right, letting go of the past is important. I miss my past too, i haven't really let go. Sometimes i feel i hang around with my primary school schoolmates in the same sec school with me, just to remind myself of the past. I suddenly realise i haven't been treasuring what i'm enjoying now. The warmth of my true new friends. You're just as important to me as any other friend. So if you really have any problems, i just want you to know, a friend will be there for you. There are many other people in RV wanting to be your friend. =D I'll be there for you, Wanxin, Yunyi, Joanne, Kahkah(haha, in an interesting way),Joanne Leung, Chang, Lydia, and our seniors in carrots. You can trust us, we've all been true real friendships in life, we know how it feels to be dejected, and betrayed. Don't worry kay? The past makes you stronger, not feel weaker. Make use of the past!

2008-04-12T22:31:00.002+08:00

Well, IU Day is over. We didn't win, but that doesn't matter though. It's really all about the process than the results. Telling all chairpersons of classes that didn't win anything, it's really ok, or perhaps i don't know how u guys are really feeling, but i really think all the classes got bonded really more closer now.
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Now, more lectures. I have to get this all over with, there's just too many things to say.
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Well, today during dinner, i asked my mom a weird question.

"Mummy~, why do we live arh? all we do it study, work, and die, unless we strike it rich la."

"Ayo, you must learn to enjoy mah. Mummy last time always find time go to lounge with friends drink beer one(no, my mum's not a drunkard, she drinks occasionally.). Can go out with friends also what, who say only work to death, ni hen ben leh."

"okok, fine whatever"
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Well, that wasn't a vry sensible answer from my mother. Obbviously she doesn't know how to answer me. =D

Well, in my previous post, i said we live to love and for love. But what about those without parental love? Is it the end for them? Is there no one to love them anymore?
Think again, open your eyes wide, and see for yourselves how many thousands or millions of kind people are holding donation drives out of love to the people without parents. Thats not the only love. We have our friends, friends who believe in us, care for us, and most importantly, love us. They play a very big part in our lives. Growing up, living the appropriate way or the way we chose. Influential dilemnia, and many other things.

Ok now, a copyright question. When was the last time you cared for a friend, show how much your friend means to you? was it 5 years ago? Or did you wait until it was graduation night did you say: You've been a big part of my life, i just want to tell you that if you have anything on, you can depend on me, as I am your FRIEND.// I've never said that to anyone before, i'm too shy kay? So it shall be done, anywhere, anytime, just say it, and it makes a big difference. If you're too shy(like me), post it on your blog, a single large post, saying you care and u can be depended and trusted on.

So thats just 3 quarter or 1 third of my summary. I'll do the rest some other day, then i'll start with normal posts. gdnite!

2008-04-06T22:02:00.002+08:00

Went to my anscestors' graves todae. Was scorching hot la, my head could cook an egg in a minute. Lucky it didn't burn up. Yea, my paternal side anscestors. Well, i prayed for them to bless me with great GPA and a successful CCA and life in RV. Somehow I feel that my life in RV is going super well. Its been 4 months since the start of the year. How time flies... If i could reverse time, there would be many things i would change.
1) My childish behaviour.
2) My stubborness.
3) My judgement.
4) The respect i showed my teachers.
5) The way i treasured my friends.
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I tried and tried, i wanted to forgive Rohit Kumar.

There's a saying, Only forgiving, would we feel better. But through this week, i had a different feeling. I tried forgiving him, but i keep thinking back on his attitude, and i thought, why forgive him when he did me so much wrong?

Honestly, there were times when i also hated Ms Loh. During the orchid lesson, i threw my pen at Rohit after losing my temper. She pulled me out of the classroom by holding my hand. I hate adults holding my hand. I seldom get held by my hand by adults, except for my parents. I felt that i was taken advantage of, but that wasn't the fact. But, she made me feel angrier, i felt like killing at that time.

Blogging has recently been on news articles. Cyber bullying... I feel that this world is discriminating against youth bloggers. They are taking away our rights to tell others how we feel. Whats the matter with them, when we have problems, we want to tell EVERYONE, but they make us talk 1 to 1.

People claim to understand human feelings, but that is not the fact, we don't know anything. Only one would understand him/herself.

Accepting is a good thing, many ex-anthonians rejected Gauri's offer of friendship. But, slowly, didn't we feel better after accepting her? Racial discrimination spoils the worlds, spoils us, spoils our thinking. These incidents taught me something. Nothing brings the world to ourselves, in this world, friendship is my life, friendship is my support.

Would you give your life for friendship? This is for us to answer, and also NOT for us to answer. Saying yes doesn't prove anything, proving anything doesn't mean saying yes.

Stephanie's word of advice: Treasure your friends and everything around you. We all only have one precious life, learn to let go, enjoy, and only would we know who care and who we care. We live to love and for love.
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How do people give meaningful life lectures? The answer lies in everyone's hands. This answer, everyone knows. And the answer is, we learn from living, maturity doesn't always come naturally. It comes from experiences and mistakes, lectures and punishment.

Remember, we live not to judge, judgement is for GOD, and we are NOT god. Why judge others, and complain about others' judgement? Leave the judgement to god, to those who are meant to judge. A Judge judge, but he has no rights to judge.

Read through my story, learn from my lecture for i promise, this is no boring story.

P.S Happy belated Bdae Fann!